The Kitty Kat Lounge

Are You Still Madly In Love With Me?

2011-04-26T18:56:00.002-05:00

If so, you should probably just go here from now on, since I've pretty much abandoned this space.

Well, until I have kids or take up some kind of obscure hobby like raising champion parakeets to bore you with.

Breaking News...

2010-08-04T21:57:00.001-05:00

I have a boyfriend...

In related news...Is using the word "boyfriend" stupid after age 25?

Stay tuned for more exciting posts in about a month or two.

The Single Life is So Exciting

2010-04-26T22:28:00.003-05:00

Last weekend I wrote a paper and cleaned all of my mini-blinds in the bathtub.

Look forward to another exciting post this weekend when I re-caulk my tub because my landlord is a worthless piece of shit.

Seriously, my life is THAT exciting.

Now, I need to scat because Mr. Big is blowing up my cell.

I'm an Excellent Driver

2010-04-20T19:50:00.002-05:00

So, I'm coming up on my 10th anniversary as a Minneapolitan (Minneapolite?) and can finally consider my adoptive home as, well, home and myself as a full fledged local. I love it here, can navigate most areas in the city without consulting Google Maps, have a local watering hole (well...had, RIP Al's), and can make a fairly confident restaurant suggestion to visitors. HOWEVER, I will never get used to how asshole-y drivers are in this city. In Sioux Falls, most drivers are fairly clueless Sunday Brunch type drivers that drive you crazy by going the speed limit and not speeding up for yellow lights, but Minneapolitans are a whole 'nuttha breed. In my 10 years here, I have been:

honked at and cussed out for turning left (with my signal on) at intersections with no turn lane so many times I've lost count (WTF!)
been nearly killed twice in the work parking lot by assholes who run the stop sign
seen shitheads speed up when I'm crossing the street (granted, I'm usually jaywalking, but WTF?)
been nearly forced off the road by a school bus full of kids (TWICE)
rear-ended by a bitchy suburban mom driving an Expedition while yielding the right of way trying to merge onto Normandale Blvd
been nearly sideswiped by some fuckwit, who was apparently unfamiliar with the blindspot concept, while he was merging onto I-94 (this was the scariest moment of my life)
witnessed countless assholes block traffic for 10 minutes because they're stuck in the middle of the intersection due to their ill advised attempt to make the green arrow.
and seen people carreen through 3 lanes of traffic on the freeway because they apparently don't know how to plan ahead or use their turn signal.

Now, I don't want to disparage my fellow citizens, but seriously, I think I'm the only person in this city qualified to operate a car.

Valentine's Day is For Suckers

2010-02-14T13:47:00.003-06:00

I'm not sure how it's possible, but in the last 2 months I've become even more cynical about relationships. I'd expound on this, but it will turn out to be the most whiny, self-indulgent post on the internet.

Sushi and Sonny Bono

2010-02-07T20:03:00.002-06:00

Friday night, my good friend Sandra and I went out for a girl's night of sushi and wine. If you're a fan of sushi, I highly recommend my new favorite spot, Bagu, in Southwest Minneapolis. Friday's and Saturday nights all of their bottles of wine are $15 and they have a pirate ship of sushi and sashimi. Really good sushi. On a pirate ship. Tuna, sea bass, salmon, seaweed salad, and these really awesome rolls fried in tempura, all for 36 bones. It was to die for and all situated in one of the cutest neighborhoods in Minneapolis. Also, don't drink half a bottle of red wine and follow it with 4 Amstel Lights. Trust me on this.

Bagu is also next to one of those cute little gift shops that seem to always be in affluent neighborhoods. You know those shops...the ones that sell strange little books, cards, handmade jewlery, and soaps. Everything a growing yuppie would need. ANYway...The Shop in the City is owned by this awesome woman who told us an improbable story about the french milled soaps I was interested in. In at nutshell, her brother, who lives in somewhere on the California coast, was friendly with Sonny Bono. Anyway, Mr. Cher introduced her to this soap manufacturer in Provence (where all the best soaps come from) who makes this wonderful natural, olive oil based soap scented with lavender and honey. Trust me, it was more interesting at the time. Then we talked about the Housewives of Orange County and that the neighborhood they live in is really kind of a dump for the nuveau riche who have fake money. And it was then I decided that women with white hair who own gift shops and can name drop Sonny Bono without irony kick ass.

Conundrum

2010-01-31T18:43:00.003-06:00

So, what do you do when you think you're ready to start dating again, but you're absolutely fucking terrified of being rejected and/or having your heart broken your first time out of the gate in over a year? And I don't mean terrified as in you'll be uncomfortable for a few weeks if it happens, I mean terrified as it it would probably make you want to never talk to another man for the rest of your life if it happens. Like you're so terrified to be disappointed again because of all the unpleasant things in life to deal with (death, unemployment, a giant zit in the middle of your forehead), that is the thing that will just cause you to move out to the woods and live off the grid for the rest of your life.

And here's the thing, I really do want to meet someone soon, but I'm concerned about the emotional fallout. I need guarantees in an endeavor where guarantees don't exist.

In Which I Write Another List

2010-01-17T17:39:00.002-06:00

Things that are fun to do in the winter:

Sitting on your couch and watching shitty movies and drinking beer.
Internet-stalking ex-boyfriends.
Take hot showers, slather on lotion, and then pull on flannel pajamas over sticky legs.
Drinking beers at dive bars with couches
Reading books in bed with two cats sleeping on your feet and lo-fi music playing on your iPod.
Wearing ugly hats and puffy jackets.
Cooking big hunks of meat in a crock pot.
Drinking coffee on your couch while reading the Sunday paper.
Surfing around on Etsy for depression glass and mid-century housewares.
Wearing slipper socks.
Burying your face into a load of towels fresh from the dryer.

Resolve

2010-01-02T22:18:00.002-06:00

I usually don't make resolutions in the new year, because, well, let's face it, they're cliche. But I've been thinking lately that I can make a few resolutions that shouldn't be too difficult to keep, not only for 2010, but throughout my life. I'm not talking the usual shit like losing weight and reading more (or, GASP, quitting smoking), I'm talking about a change in my attitude toward myself in others.

So, this year (at least), I resolve to think more positive and to be more charitable in my thinking towards others. I resolve to mentally cut men a break, because after all, it isn't them, it how I allow them to make me feel. I also resolve to not be so uptight and to not get so worked up about things that are out of my control. I resolve to not be such a fatalist and to, if you'll forgive the phrase, look on the sunny side of life.

I also resolve clean out the litter box every day.

Christmas Orphan

2009-12-24T12:30:00.002-06:00

Because of the apocalyptic snow storm lumbering through the midwest, I've been marooned in Minneapolis for the Christmas weekend. On the pro-side, I've been spared the winter driving anxiety that hits me every year, on the con-side, I feel as if I've abandoned my parents (although, weather permitting, I'll be heading to Soo Foo next weekend).

Anyway, I do have plans with friends tonight and tomorrow night, so I won't be sitting alone on Christmas, but driving around should be interesting. I've already pre-dug out the car, because the dipshits that plow the parking lot just did a cursory path along the driving area, thereby plowing everyone in, not to mention they didn't even plow out the entrances. WTF? Anyway, I'll probably have to do it again tomorrow and Saturday, since we're supposed to get MORE show. It's actually snowing right now.

I hate winter.

Christmas Adventures

2009-12-20T15:03:00.002-06:00

In the midst of Agent's surgery, I just realized that Christmas is this week and I've done zero shopping (not that I'm buying many presents this year) and have to gird my loins for 2 and a half days with family. Joy. Anyway, what kind of Holiday season would it be without several stressful snafus?

1. Cosmo was traumatized all weekend by Agent smelling like the vet. He spent almost the whole weekend hissing and hiding from her. I had to feed him separately because, not only would he not go near her even to eat, but Agent kept trying to eat his portion because she's a greedy pig. I love her, but Christ on a bike, she's greedy when it comes to food. Anyway, they're friends again now and all is going well on the cat front. Agent's incision is looking good and pilling is going well...relatively anyway.

2. Because Agent's on antibiotics for the next week, I asked a work friend who lives in Uptown to come over a couple of times to give her her meds and just kind of keep an eye on her. Unfortunately, the landlord, in his infinite wisdom, only gave me one set of keys. So...I went to Home Depot to get a spare set made today. Well, they could only make one for the security door because they were out of the blanks for my deadbolt. So, I went to Menards to get the deadbolt key made. When I get home, the deadbolt key doesn't work in my door, but works on the security door. WHAT THE FUCK? How is this even possible? Now I have two different keys that inexplicably open the security door but no deadbolt spare. So, I've left a message with the landlord to see if he can drop off his spare set, or I'm going to have to try getting another key made. Also...I hate hardware stores now.

3. Apparently, a receipt from my vet is not enough to by prescription cat food at PetSmart. Seriously, why would I be buying food that's more expensive if I didn't have to? It's not like it's a Schedule 1 narcotic.

4. I had to drive to the Harley Davidson store in Eden Prairie for my dad's gift. It was either that or the MOA. Big surprise that I briefly got lost in EP (could that suburb be any more confusing?).

5. Since my apartment, and SLP, has water so hard you can practically spread it on toast, I wanted to get a PUR water pitcher for the cats' water (I'm slightly paranoid that this is what started the whole bladder stone thing). Not only did I have to go to Target on the weekend before Christmas (shudder), but I had to go BACK there because the pitcher I bought had a hole in it. Seriously, don't they have quality inspectors for shit like that? Also, by the time I got back from my second trip to Target, I hated everyone.

6. What is with having to ask for a bag when you buy a mug at Caribou? I know every business is jumping on the "green" bandwagon, but that's just plain weird, especially when I remarked that it was a gift. Oh, and she forgot to give me the receipt, too (this is just a strange pet peeve of mine...I ALWAYS want the receipt).

Agent's Progress

2009-12-17T18:36:00.003-06:00

Today was Agent's surgery to remove 3 bladder stones. She did not look happy with me as I dropped her off at the City Cat Clinic, but these are good folks who would take good care of her. Just after lunch, the vet called me to let me know that the surgery went very well, that she was awake and borked up on pain medication. She did say that it was good that we didn't wait to do the surgery, since the stones were spiky like sea urchins. Ouch. Anyway, they're keeping her overnight to monitor her and flush out her bladder. The vet will be sending her home with pain meds (liquid) and antibiotics, which are pills, and I have no idea how I'm going to get her to take them. I bought some pill pockets, but I have a sneaking suspicion she'll see right through that. If you have any ideas on how to give a pissed off cats pills, let me know.

P.S. Thanks again to all that donated to her surgery fund. I am truly blessed/

A Plea for Help

2009-12-15T17:36:00.008-06:00

So, today was supposed to be relaxing, but it's been fraught with worry for my dear cat, Agent. I took her to the vet today because she was peeing blood. After hours of worrying myself sick, the vet called and stated that she has 3 bladder stones that need to be surgically removed. To the tune of $1400. Shit. I love my fluffy kitten, especially when she tucks me in at night and cuddles on my neck until I fall asleep. She will be getting this surgery because my beloved Spike died from the same thing, but it will unfortunately wipe out the modest savings I have managed to scrape together in 7 months. I am happy to pay it to save her life, but with the holidays and school bills coming up soon, I am starting to panic. Please, I know times are tough for everyone, and this is probably asking a lot, but please, if you can, click the Paypal button to help me defray her surgical bills. Even if it's $1.00, I would absolutely be indebted to you forever, and so will Agent, and her loving cat-brother, Cosmo.

UPDATE: Thank you so far to Jeremy, Doug, Dave, Dave, and Jennifer. If I could kiss you through the internet, I would! I am truly touched by your generosity and you are all awesome.

UPDATE 2: The number of people I have to thank is growing so quickly that I just want to let you all know to keep your eye on your mailbox for a personal thank you note from me (and Agent, but since she doesn't have opposible thumbs yet, she'll probably just lay all over them while I write). Thank you all again, I am truly touched.

Come On

2009-12-09T20:15:00.002-06:00

So, I don't want to sound like a hard-up prude (well, not a prude anyway), but lately I feel kind of weird when a guy hits on me. I can't explain it, but it makes me feel weird like that kid who would suck up to The Beaver's mom, June Cleaver. Maybe it's because I haven't been on a date in a year or that I sometimes think guys shouldn't hit on 32 year old women, but it's vaguely disturbing and creepy. Maybe I'm just jaded and think that nothing good can come from a guy being interested in me...or maybe I'm just out of practice with talking to guys...yeah, let's go with that.

Strange Milestone...

2009-11-11T13:20:00.002-06:00

This month I will have been celibate for an entire year. The main reason why, though significant, is not fit for public consumption at this time. Suffice it to say, I have been actively avoiding dating and interacting with men in any sort of romantic way. I just didn't like who I felt I had to be in order to attract and keep a man. I felt like I was constantly visiting with my grandparents, you know, always on your best behavior, covered in a thick veneer of respectibility and detachment, because god forbid I'd let a man see the real me. It's always easier when someone rejects your false self, you know. I didn't like that I had to pretend to be this jaded 30-something single gal in order to not scare men away. Because, lord knows, desperation is a smelly perfume. Not that I was desperate...just earnest.

I just got tired of the cycle, the charade, the endless rejection for one bullshit reason or another (although, not every man I've dated was like this...you know who you are...). I got tired of the abject fear of letting someone in and losing them, chalking up another failed relationship to endlessly dissect with friends over beers and cigarettes. I got tired of feeling like that was all I was talking about with my friends. Men, sex, love, breaking up, heartbreak. Enough. I went into hiding...leaving only for work, school, and the odd beer out with really close friends. I was too tired to deal with anything else. Too tired to put on the fuck-me heels, jeans that make my ass look good, and the low cut top. Too tired to flirt with Mr. Right Now. Too tired to give out my number and take their calls. And I was sure as hell too tired to go out on actual dates.

And you know what? It's good. It's good that I'm unfettered and alone. I like figuring out who I am alone. I like figuring out that yes, I would like to maybe get married in the future (not only just because I like cake and that people will say nice things about me) even though for years I denied that I did. I like that I have 2 cats that are like my babies and give me a reason to not sleep all day. I've discovered that I'm a really clean person and that, yes I do like all that Martha Stuart and Real Simple stuff. And I'm realizing that I don't really want to date a guy that at just has a steady job and health insurance. I'm not ok with dating a guy in his 30's who smokes pot every day and likes jam bands. I'm not ok with dating a guy who doesn't get along with his family. I'm not ok with dating significantly younger men. I don't like motorcycles and I don't like guns...even hunting rifles. I still like guys with tattoos...or those who want tattoos, but I'm starting to realize that I want someone mature, stable, funny, and NICE. And I'm ok with sticking to what I want in the long term and not settling...even if it means I don't get married till I'm 50.

Be the Change of which You Speak

2009-11-08T18:30:00.002-06:00

Those of you who know me, know that I'm not particularly religious and overt displays of one's religious views often make me uncomfortable, but today I read a story in the Star Tribune that truly touched me. Shit, it even choked me up a little. Here's a snippet from Sandwiches from a Savior:

"Every night of the year, Law, 64, is on the streets of Minneapolis in a van packed with sandwiches for the homeless. The painted words "Love One Another" festoon the red van. While Law doesn't preach, he takes his born-again Christian beliefs seriously.
"I truly believe that God put me on this Earth to help the poor," he said. "I will do that until the day I die."

Last year, the retired Minneapolis schoolteacher distributed 85,000 sandwiches to hungry people. This year, he's on track to hand out 170,000. Because of a serendipitous encounter with a former student, volunteers at more than 100 Twin Cities churches will make 200,000 sandwiches this year for Law.
It is what Law does, and who he is. The kitchen of his Edina condo holds two freezers. Three more sit in the living room. His bed is covered with coats he is collecting for the homeless. He says he makes 70 stops a day on his mission to feed and help people, stealing an hour or two in the middle of the night to snooze in the van and napping at home before he hits the road again."

This man does this on his own dime and time and works with a group called 363 Ministries that doesn't get nonprofit status for simplicity's sake. I know Christianity is filled with people that truly live according to Jesus's teachings, yet all we hear about lately are those who spend their time hating their neighbor, killing in the name of God, or seeking to keep down those they view as "sinners." It really does warm my heart that this man simply doesn't sit back and bemoan the problem of hunger and the homeless and impotently wishing "someone" would fix it. He's out there, in the shit, handing out sandwiches, buying prom dresses, and helping people pay their light bill. He's not just handing them off to some faceless bureaucracy, but actually serving according to his beliefs. He is an example to everyone, Christian or no.

I'm an Excellent Driver...

2009-10-19T23:20:00.003-05:00

So, I got pulled over tonight for a traffic infraction and was let off with a verbal warning because of my perfect driving record. Don't worry, I haven't missed the irony in this situation.

Driving Life Lesson: You'd be surprised that you can get out of most tickets just by acting slightly ding-y, saying that you're really tired and anxious to get home, and then apologizing profusely. Oh and it helps when the cop's not a dick.

Egg Pie

2009-10-11T19:01:00.002-05:00

This is just a quick notice to let you know that the best quiche in America, possibly even the world, is made at Queen City Bakery in Sioux Falls, SD. Seriously, that quiche would make Julia Child slap Jaques Pepin right in the mouth.

This business alone could make me abandon Minneapolis altogether for the prairies and strip malls of Eastern South Dakota.

Alabaster*

2009-10-05T22:36:00.004-05:00

This coming Wednesday my parents will celebrate 37 years of wedded bliss. They met in high school (set up on a blind date by my mother's friend, who initially wanted my dad for herself) and married 5 years later. In a year where celebrities are marrying for publicity and gay couples seeking to marry are accused of undermining the sanctity of marriage, my parents will celebrate "making it work" for almost 4 decades. Even though their union wasn't (and still isn't) all hearts and flowers, they're still hot for each other (gross) and still go on dates (slightly less gross). When I was very young, they almost didn't make it. Teetering on the edge of poverty which was exacerbated by my dad's poor impulse control regarding credit and a fondness for Windsor, my mom packed her bags and we moved into her parent's creepy 100-year-old house for six months, telling dad to either get his shit together or sign the papers. Thankfully, they worked it out and continue to fly in the face of the nation's divorce statistics. Their marriage is a testament to love, patience, and perseverance.

Happy Alabaster Anniversary, mom and dad (even though you don't know, and will never know, about this blog)!

*Alabaster is the traditional gift for the 37th year.

Patience

2009-09-23T08:34:00.002-05:00

I've never been a particularly patient person. Most people, including my mother, blame this on my being an only child. As much as I hate having my few character flaws (cough) blamed on the circumstances of my birth, I'd have to admit that this is probably true. I mean, it's not like I ever had to fight for the attention of my parents, and while my parents couldn't afford to spoil me monetarily, they certainly spoiled me emotionally (wait...that sounds bad). Although, my threshold for bullshit has waxed and waned as I've gotten older, I've found that, yes patience is a virtue and it will be rewarded, but you know old habits die hard.

Things that I have no patience for:

Standing behind old ladies at the supermarket or bank
Long voicemail messages.
Standing in line in general
People who ask questions about the menu at a fast food restaurant. Really? It's all crap and it all tastes the same and I only get 30 minutes for lunch, so make a fucking decision or bring a damn sandwich.
Any songs over 3 minutes or that has more than 3 guitar solos.
Professors who lecture the obvious in a graduate level class. If you don't know how to write a research paper in AMA format by now, graduate school is not for you.
Getting stuck in the right lane at a red light behind someone who is not turning right. Fuck you.
People who come to work sick. Your incessant coughing makes me stabby.
Farmer's markets...especially those women who butt in front of you to ask if those cucumbers are locally grown and then proceed to have a 30 minute conversation about their locavore coming-to-Jesus moment with the seller. Die in a fire.

What tries your patience?

Wells Fargo, Making You Crazy By Doing Their Jobs

2009-08-12T22:35:00.004-05:00

I've been a Wells Fargo customer for many years...since 1993, as a matter of fact, and have never had any complaints (other than the fact that they have iron-clad loan conditions...but that's my problem, not theirs). Well, recently, I had reason to believe that my PayPal account had been hacked, which put my financial well-being in jeopardy. After closing the account, I notified Wells about the possibility of fraudulant activity that may, or may not, happen and that they should refuse PayPal transactions after July 4th. Well, I didn't realize that I had made a purchase on Etsy from a nice lady in Tennessee on the 20th (not the 4th), so of course, Wells Fargo being the well-oiled mega-banking machine that they are, issued a stop payment against the $20 transaction and opened a fraud case.

Sigh.

Well, fuck. I hit the reply button like Mike Phelps hits the bong and told them that I had authorized that one transaction, but nothing else (thankfully, no haxors tried to buy whores or $400 gaming systems or whatever) and that they should reverse that stop payment. I also notified the nice lady that Wells Fargo is the rotwieller of fraud prevention and apparently have lightning fast typing fingers and that I was trying to straighten it out. The next day (!) I recieved another e-mail from Wells that the stop payment was deleted and I thought that was the end of it.

Now, because I'm obsessive about balancing my checkbook, I checked by balance and noticed a $20 credit in my account. WHAT THE FUCK?

Double Sigh.

So now, because Wells is so happy to serve me by making sure 14 year old boys aren't buying hydroponic equipment with my paycheck, I have to write the poor Southern lady who makes nice soaps and lotion to check her PayPal account for rescinded funds and then call the Claims department to find out what the hell is going on. Not only that, I'm probably going to have to figure out a way to re-pay the nice soap lady for my lavender soaps without involving PayPal. I'm thinking this will involve a cashier's check or money order (god, it's like 1996 all over again), unless she has a Wells Fargo account and then I can directly transfer money into her account.

Now, don't get me wrong, I heart Wells Fargo for taking a possible $20 fraud case seriously and being so johnny-on-the-spot about it and everything (and they don't even charge a fee, take THAT Bank of America), but I can't fucking believe I have to do all this running around for $20.

Road Trip Part I

2009-08-03T18:18:00.003-05:00

As promised, Mega Fun South Dakota Road Trip pictures and commentary!

After experiencing the fun and excitement of visiting various gas stations and rest areas that southbound I-169 has to offer, Max, Courtney, and I enjoyed $3.50 margaritas in historic downtown Sioux Falls.

The patio at The Phillip's Ave Diner was eerily quiet and we got the stink eye from the over 50 set that were scattered amongst us. I have no idea why.

After a couple of cocktails and some overpriced diner food, I ferried us to the Big Sioux River Falls area.

From this vantage you can feel the fishy spray from one of the more polluted areas of the Big Sioux River. I look forward to my uterus rotting out.

WTF?

View from the observation tower/prison guard shooting deck:

The next morning, we set out for the epic drive to The Black Hills. Mitchell, SD's world famous (har) Corn Palace was first on the list of travel oddities to see.

People were seriously lining up at 9:30 am to take their photo with this guy:

Yep, there it is. Made of corn.

Corn mural of the Corn Palace...on the Corn. Palace. Dude, I'm freaking out.

After running around, taking pictures and running in front of cars in Mitchell, we geared up for the most exciting part of the trip. Four hours of this gripping scenery:

More photos and gripping commentary to come tomorrow (i.e. slap happy visits to Wall Drug, the Badlands, Mt Rushmore, and authentic Mexican food in Rapid City).

Bronto Butt

2009-07-27T21:22:00.001-05:00

Bronto Butt, originally uploaded by kittykatlounge.

I'm still around...just recovering from a massive road trip to the Black Hills with Coco and Max. More photos and commentary to come. Until then, enjoy this pic of a 70 year old brontosaurus butt.

A Call For Good Thoughts

2009-07-12T00:54:00.002-05:00

So, my mom's sister has been fighting breast cancer for the past 3 years and we just found out that she's losing the fight. At her last MRI the doctors found a lesion on her brain. It's inoperable and about the only thing to be done is a fuck-load of radiation and some new drugs. These same doctors have given her the non-prognosis of a month to a year. She's 59. So, yeah, she's probably terminal. About the only thing we can hope for is that what time she has left is not filled with pain and dramatic personality changes. So, I'm putting this out in the ether for prayers, good thoughts, incantations, or whatever else you can think of. Not only for my aunt, but for my mother (who's extremely close to her sister) and the rest of my family.

Fuck cancer, dudes.

Relearning the Thrifty Way

2009-06-20T19:04:00.002-05:00

So, I recently discovered that Wells Fargo has a time limit for in-school forbearance on private student loans and that my time of living high on the hog is over. There's nothing like learning you will have a new bill equal to a car payment for the next 12 years of your life to start you thinking of ways to save money. So, here are the steps I have taken to ease the strain on my wallet, some of which have inadvertent benefits to the environment:

1. Packing a lunch: while this is actually increasing my grocery bill, it's been kinder to my waist line and a lesson in will power. I have discovered the wonders of fruit and yogurt and found benefit in the new produce extender bags (Hefty now makes them for half the cost of those "As Seen On TV" ones). Also, I'm washing and reusing sandwich bags, not just for the environment, but because those fuckers are spendy!

2. Actually using leftovers and shopping around for deals, although I have not yet been to Aldi, I discovered that SuperTarget has better produce prices than Cub (especially on seasonal fruit).

3. Making my own cleaning products. Today I made my own all-purpose cleaner with Borax, baking soda, dish soap, and water. It works amazingly well and the next batch will include some lavender essential oil. After the initial purchase of the huge box of borax ($2.99) and baking soda ($0.50), that cleaner is probably a fraction of the cost of some of the fancy shit I've been using and better for my own environment. Here's the recipe I used.

4. Along those lines, I discovered that Borax is not only cheap, but can be used for everything from a laundry booster to deodorizing carpets and whitening porcelain.

5. I also bought a big jug of vinegar for household use. I've always used it to descale my coffee maker (works like a charm and is actually better than that CLR shit), but you can also add it to your homemade cleaner, use it for glass cleaner, disinfecting counter tops, deodorizing your kitchen, as an additive to your rinse cycle to brighten clothes, and even remove deodorant stains on shirts. Here's a list of all the household uses for a $2.50 gallon of white vinegar from the Vinegar Institute (yes, there is actually a Vinegar institute).

6. I also downgraded my cell phone service from a fully wireless PDA phone to just a regular "phone-phone" and took advantage of my 15% corporate discount. By my early calculations I'll have cut that bill in half.

7. Paying my small-balance credit cards off and canceling them. I've got the Best Buy card almost all paid off and now will work towards the one with a $600 balance. I figure, the less bills I have, the more control I'll have over my finances.

8. I'm still saving a portion of my check every month, but am reducing that by $25 for now.

9. There is a possibility that my love of cleaning and organizing may translate into a monthly job for a friend who may let her cleaning lady go. I'm going to do some research on natural house cleaning and may even see if I could make it into a side job. So, if you're looking to have someone clean your house for an event, on a regular basis, or if you're moving and want to ensure getting your whole deposit back, and live in the Minneapolis/St. Paul area, send me an e-mail.

10. Alexis has turned me on to using beauty bars instead of body wash to cut down on plastic. 4 bars of Dove's Go Fresh Burst with nectarine and white ginger beauty bar is about $5 (cheaper if you use a coupon) and lasts forever. I'm still working on the first bar a month after buying the 4-pack, which, by my calculations, will save me about $20 because I go though a bottle of body wash every month and a half. Also, I discovered Suave's professional line, which works suprizingly well with my hair (I'm using the strengthening type which is a knock off of Redken) and cost $1.92 per bottle on sale at Target.

11. I've also been more concious of my electicity usage (especially after watching a particularly gripping documentary on IFC about the coal mines of West Virginia) as a way to cut my electrical bill. That means keeping the lights to a minimum (I hate sitting in low light) and making sure to turn off my computer and cable tuner before running off to work. However, I don't have time to run around and unplug all the small appliances, so the good people of WV are just going to have to cut me a break on that.

However, there are certain things I just can't skimp on:

Digital cable and internet (I don't go out that much, so this is my main entertainment expense), brand name cat food and litter (you really do get what you pay for), Diet Coke, smoking (seriously, no one wants to be a party to my quiting...it won't be healthy for anyone involved), name brand lotion, and my Sunday paper (hello, COUPONS!).

Anyway, I already feel pretty good about my plan, even though there has been some initial investment for groceries and such, not to mention some of my clothes and shoes are pooping out and need to be replaced, but that's just to be expected (and why Kohl's and Target exist).

What are some of your money-saving tips?

Donut Fries

2009-06-01T18:07:00.003-05:00

If there is a God, he lives and works in San Jose. Please bear witness to the GREATEST invention in deep fried pastries since the doughnut hole:

These, my lovelies, are donut fries (!!) with raspberry jelly and Bavarian Cream dipping sauces. I can only hope they're actually fried in lard, and not that pussified transfat free vegetable oil. They can only be found (as far as I've searched) at Psycho Donuts in San Jose, CA. Sigh...why couldn't some beautiful bastard in Minneapolis/St. Paul have thought of this? Or at least some enterprising fair food vendor? I think these could be the only thing that could drag my lazy, afraid-of-flying, cheap ass to California. Fuck the beach, I want some donut fries!

(via This is Why You're Fat)

Apartment Living

2009-05-23T23:34:00.002-05:00

So, I was doing some laundry before going out to a friend's party, and what should I find waiting for me on top of the dryer? This little masterpiece of passive-aggressiveness:

Now, I'm pretty sure I know who wrote this, and let's just say, after my living here for 6 years to her one and a half, I can tell her a thing or two about "consideration for neighbors." I've had one neighbor who would throw pot parties with the guy next door while her kids ran wild through the building, one lady who smoked crack in her apartment ALL DAY, people who spill detergent all over the machines and the FLOOR and just leave it there, and one (just recently) who harbored a predatory offender with outstanding warrants. I've endured jackasses breaking the locks on the security door, propping the back security door all night, shit heads who were siphoning gas (not from me), and one fuckstick who balanced an entire couch on top of the dumpster, making it impossible to throw your trash into it.

Not to mention, I take issue with her assertion that one dryer will make the ENTIRE FUCKING BUILDING warm. Really? I highly fucking doubt that. Did she go door to door taking measurements? Furthermore, if it's such a goddamn issue for you, why should I be the one to call the landlord (as you can see from my response)? Why don't you pick up the phone yourself and tell the landlord to fix the problem you have invented, instead of being such a fucking passive-aggressive busy-body who writes three paragraph notes and leaves them in the laundry room.

And yeah, I know it's pretty P-A to leave that response and then bitch about it on my blog, but since I don't really know who wrote it, nor did that person just knock on my door and ask me about it, so I have to vent about it here on the internet.

God, I hate some people.

Pass The Bedpan...

2009-05-11T22:43:00.003-05:00

Check out this little tumblr blog about hospital food.

I gotta say, the best thing to come out of Dietary when I was in the hospital for two months was the meals I was fed through a tube in my arm.

Oh, and the tapioca pudding...seriously, every once in a while I get such a jones for that tapioca, I consider asking someone to run over my foot just to get admitted.

Orange You Glad I Didn't Say Banana?

2009-05-11T20:40:00.009-05:00

Hi, my name is Aliecat and I'm a banana waster.

Well, not really a waster, per se, rather I buy more bananas than I'll probably eat just so I can make banana bread. Every time I make it, I try a different recipe, hoping I'll hit on one that's close to my grandpa's (which I'll never get because I swear he just makes it up as he goes along). Anyway, I found this recipe on the Food Network site and decided I'd give it a try, using my neglected muffin tin.

Here's how they look:

...with honey drizzled on

They taste pretty damn good. It's close to Grandpa Skip's banana bread, but not as dense, thanks to the muffin tins. Anyway, I'm bringing them to work because I know I'll eat them all myself if they stay here.

Oh, and my apartment smells FUCKING AWESOME.

Keep on Truckin'

2009-05-09T20:14:00.002-05:00

If you every want to feel empowered, just drive around a 1 Ton truck for a few hours and move something very heavy.

Now, excuse me while I scratch my balls for a while.

Hipster Douchebags and the Zen Art of Fried Fish

2009-04-25T11:18:00.006-05:00

Sandra and I decided to take advantage of the nice day and go for a walk around my favorite neighborhood and attend Sea Salt's opening day. Ever since hearing that they were opening last week, I've had a serious jones for a crawfish po' boy. So we decided to create a fried fish buffer and walk down to Sea Salt.

I'm not sure what this is but a squirrel ran out of it and almost made me pee my pants.

This was the line at about 6:45. Lot of people and their dogs were eager for some fish:

After waiting for almost 2 hours, we finally got our order in and hid out inside, since the temp dropped about 15 degrees.

I was glad we finally got our food because I was about ready to MURDER this tragically hip, entitled couple and their surly kids. For the entire time we were waiting behind them they did nothing but parade around in their manufactured, ill-fitting, thrift store-ish clothes with this maddening "oh look at us, we're such cool parents" looks on their faces as they walked around with a baby and a beer in their hands. Seriously, they took turns holding the baby in one hand and (probably) a glass of Surly in the other as they continually did laps around the restaurant. As if I should be impressed. And if I had to see this guy's hairy beer gut peek out from under his too-small Len Druskin shirt one more time I was going to freak out. I have no problem with hipster families enjoying a nice day and good food, but the sense of entitlement wafting from their well constructed image of coolness nearly put me off my food. This is how I get when I have to wait for 2 hours to eat and am starving....

Clam fries and crawfish po' boy's make everything all better...

I tried some of Sandra's Catfish and it was so silky and fresh tasting. It was almost like tofu...so good...

We ended up leaving most of the clam fries there because it was an absolutely huge portion (I'm pretty sure fried clams don't reheat very well).

Observations From the Neighborhood

2009-04-19T19:45:00.002-05:00

It's interesting what you notice about your neighborhood when you're walking. These are the events and things I've noticed in just 2 short walks:

1. A man yelling at his dog for rolling in poop while he and a bunch of his friends played softball. He kept yelling "WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT??? WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? Super funny at the time.
2. There's a lot of trash on the ground. Next time I'm bringing a bag.
3. People are starting to let the paint jobs on their houses go to hell.
4. There are tennis courts 2 blocks from my house.
5. A porsche. I didn't know people still drove those...kinda douchbaggy if you ask me.
6. People drive really fast in this neighborhood.
7. Old man sitting alone at the nursing home.
8. There are some really big ass houses in this hood.
9. Birds are really loud.

Anyway, I'm going to try and wake up at an obscenely early hour tomorrow and walk before work.

Random Happenings

2009-04-18T14:34:00.003-05:00

I have nothing interesting to write about (well, I do, but it's all about work, and I don't blog about work...kind of like Fight Club), so I'll just tell you the mundane shit that's been going on with me:

-Started a savings account so that I can buy a new bed and I already have $275 in it after only 2 months. I have a feeling I'm going to get all Smeigol on those little dollars and not be able to spend it once it reaches over $600. This is a common problem.

-I've decided to start walking every day for at least 30 minutes until the size of my ass decreases by half. I'm not a very fast walker, but if anyone wants to join me for a turn around the lake or something, let me know.

-I bought new tennis shoes for this endeavor, so now I'm committed.

-I'm looking for a new apartment, but am hoping the housing market picks up because rents are fucking ridiculous right now.

-I have suspicions that the apartment building across the street is a crack house. Suspicions confirmed by a pair of tennis shoes hanging from a telephone wire.

-My parents came to visit this past weekend and my mom noticed said shoes. Played dumb to avoid a complete paranoid freakout.

-I'm so close to being done with grad school, so I put my resume up on Monster.com. Within a day I was recruited for a supervisor job. I work for The Man, I don't really want to be The Man...torn.

-My power steering fluid is leaking, so guess who gets to drive to Sioux Falls in a few weeks? Fun.

-Guys think they want me, but they really don't. That's what it feels like, so stop wasting my fucking time.

-Sea Salt opens next week. CRAWFISH PO' BOYS, BITCHES!

Sacred Cow

2009-04-06T21:58:00.002-05:00

OK, this is kind of weird, but bear with me...

Saturday night, I was sitting on my couch, watching TV (I don't know why I'm still single), when this really strange feeling washed over me and a hazy picture of my future life floated in my head. It was me, about 10 years from now, in a suburban house, making dinner with my kids, and doing the "mom" thing. Then that picture jumped forward another 30 years or so, with me sitting in some sort of assisted living facility being elderly and awesome. And then as soon as it came, it was gone. I think I may have gone into some kind of trance or something. It was SO REAL that I freaked out a little.

Now, I'm not much for believing in past lives, horoscopes, fortune tellers, visualization, or anything superstitious, religious, or mystical, but this feeling was just so strong that I can't help but still think about it even 2 days later. I'm still thinking about it because the face in the vision wasn't really mine and I didn't exactly know it was me, so I'm wondering if it was some past life residue intruding onto my consciousness, a waking dream, a brief episode of clairvoyance, or just that third beer?

But don't worry, I'm not planning on shaving my head an buying a pair of paper pants or anything...

Spring is time for self-pity...

2009-03-28T18:27:00.002-05:00

Ugh, I'm sick again and that means that I have little to no energy to get off the couch and take care of things around here. I have a leaking shower (STILL!), a broken drawer rail (that I tried to fix, (but quickly became exhausted by the effort), tried to clean around the house (I hate you, litter boxes), have to buy some new bras (which I've put off till tomorrow), and then attempted to work on some homework that's been tea bagging me with it's ridiculousness (who knows how to figure out capacity of a manufacturing machine, moreover, who really gives a shit). All I want to do is lie on the couch, drink Diet Coke until my kidneys cry out for mercy, watch terrible movies, and have someone (preferably male) wait on me hand and foot.

Sometimes I hate being single.

NARCalicious

2009-03-23T15:31:00.003-05:00

So, I came home early today with a headache only to be roused from the couch by a sheriff's deputy looking for some dude that could be living with my across the hall neighbor. Not only does this dude have outstanding warrants, but he's a convicted predatory offender. Now, I've never taken a good look at the guy I sometimes see taking out my neighbor's trash (I'm not really that observant), but it could be him. So, as I took the sheriff's card, the cop actually tells me that if I see him, I should let him know that he's got outstanding warrants. Yeah, I'm really going to let a 6 foot, 200 pound stranger that the po-po's after his ass. I'm probably going to have to call the landlord.

UPDATE: The dude is supposedly home and the sheriff's practically banging the door down. Good lord.

New Recipe Day

2009-03-21T20:24:00.002-05:00

I was pretty bored today and wanted to use up some wild rice that I bought, so I made this:

Wild Rice and Artichoke Salad
1 cup wild rice
4 cups water
1 garlic clove, peeled and cut
3 tbsp. minced scallions
1 cup cooked peas
8-10 cherry tomatoes, halved (or as many as you want, I used around 15)
1 jar marinated artichoke hearts, halved. Reserve liquid.
1/4 cup fresh parsley chopped
salt and pepper to taste
1/2 tsp. sugar
1 tbsp cooking sherry

Combine 1 cup wild rice and 4 cups water. Cook according to package directions. Set aside to cool. Rub a large wooden bowl with garlic, discard garlic (I forgot this step). Toss the rice, scallions, peas, tomatoes, artichoke hearts, and parsley. Salt and pepper to taste. Prepare dressing. Combine sugar, sherry, and reserved artichoke liquid and stir well. Pour over salad and toss.

This was really excellent. The rice was nutty and sweet and would be excellent in a pita pocket or as a side to chicken or pork.

Then, I made this for tomorrow morning to savor over coffee:

Cherry Almond Coffee Cake
1 pkg pudding-type white cake mix
1/4 cup water
1/3 cup vegetable oil
3 eggs
2 tsp. almond extract
1 can cherry pie filling
1 pkg (1/2 c.) sliced almonds
Confectioner's sugar
Prepare cake mix according to directions, using 1/2 cup water, oil, eggs, and almond extract (batter will be thick). Spread batter in greased 9 x 13 cake pan. Spoon pie filling evenly onto batter, fold in to give a marbled effect. Sprinkle with almonds. Bake at 350 for 55-60 minutes (I took it out at 50, but should have taken it out at 45) or until cake tests done. Cool. Sprinkle with confectioner's sugar.

Seriously, this cake has made my apartment smell so good, it's almost sexual.

Obsess Much?

2009-03-19T22:39:00.002-05:00

Right now I am obsessed with all things lavender scented. Soap, candles, laundry detergent (Seventh Generation has an awesome one), dish soap, lotion, etc. Shit, I'm holding out hope for lavender scented kitty litter. It's kind of becoming a problem. If someone made lavender scented crack, I'd probably buy it.

What smells are you obsessed with?

Kittens Against Cancer

2009-03-16T19:36:00.002-05:00

-seen in the Park Tavern, St Louis Park

Call me crazy, but I'm guessing most people are a little leery of pledging money to someone with an e-mail like that.

Although, if I was an 80 year old dude dying of pancreatic cancer, I'd totally be down with seeing some "Irish Call Girls" in my last few days on this earth.

Money Shot

2009-03-05T20:47:00.002-06:00

Yeah, so this totally not going to be about porn...just so's you know...

I've been noticing lately that my checking account is abnormally fat lately. I'm one of those people who obsessively balances their check book, because I've gone through the horrors of overdraft fees and returned checks (almost to the point of technically becoming a criminal). I'm also one of those people that stops spending money when her checking account hits $100. I like that $100 cushion. That cushion allows me to sleep at night. Well, I'm almost embarrassed to say that that cushion has grown to almost $400. Embarrassed because it's that big because I'm no longer going out, spending money on sushi, imported beer, clothes, or anything else that I can't find at Target. I'm now not only cheap, but I'm becoming a serious shut in because I'm loving the fact that I have at least $500 in my account right now and I've already paid all my beginning-of-the-month bills and I have no idea what to do with it. It's like when you go to the mall with a $500 gift card and can't find one fucking thing you want to buy, but when you're broke, you want to buy everything in the whole mall (including that fleece blanket with the tiger fucking a wolf on it).

I should put it toward my debt, but I'm afraid my car will break down, or the cats will get sick, or I'll give into my Snuggie urge late one night and need that money.

Anyway, what would you do if your check book cushion suddenly grew?

I Am a Bad Person...

2009-02-28T14:34:00.004-06:00

Confession: I find happily married men with kids sexy. I don't know if it's the fact that I'm getting older and finally want to date a "nice guy," but I'm starting to have impure thoughts about my study partner in my Accounting Management class. Forget the fact that he's cute and smart, but he also has 2 young kids and a lovely wife and seems to have a great attitude toward them...probably even loves them! Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be a homewrecker, nor do I find cheating husbands/fathers sexy, it's just something that has kind of hit me lately.

Paging Tyler Durden

2009-02-12T23:13:00.002-06:00

Dear Internet,
I have now begun week two of a raging case of insomnia. Let the crazy begin.

Then and Now

2009-02-02T21:07:00.002-06:00

Ways in which I handled being single and dating 10 years ago as opposed to now:

Then:
Would "make a round" after first walking into the bar to scope which guys I would be flirting with.
Now:
Take turns "buying rounds" for my single gals at the bar.

Then:
Would give out my number to randoms.
Now:
I don't even give my real name to randoms.

Then:
Loved the stripe shirt look.
Now:
Love the excessive tattoo look.

Then:
Spent most of my time at the Frat Row bars.
Now:
I can be seen maybe twice a month at either Al's, The Chatterbox, The Park Tavern, or whichever bar is not that far from my house.

Then:
Would rather sprint the 5 blocks from the bus stop to The Refuge in a tank top in freezing temps than lug my damn coat around all night.
Now:
Would rather get to the bar early to snag a table to drape my coat on or shell out the cash for coat check.

Then:
MGD was like water.
Now:
3 Miller Lites and water for the rest of the night if I'm driving. 6 Miller Lites and water for the rest of the night if I'm not.

Then:
Grinding was foreplay.
Now:
You need to ear fuck me with your intellect before you even get a phone number.

Then:
Dating a guy with a roommate or two was the norm.
Now:
The only acceptable roommate is a pet.

Then:
If we hung out at least 5 times at the bars, you were vouched.
Now:
I'm about 2 true crime shows away from investing in federal criminal background checks and a DNA swab.

Then:
Full time student would qualify as employment.
Now:
Oooh baby, tell mama all about that sexy 401k plan and full medical...you know a full time job with a benefit plan gets me hot.

Then:
OMG, like, lets spend every day together! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!
Now:
What do you mean you can't wait to see me, didn't we just had dinner 4 days ago? Plus, I have laundry to do and there's a new episode of "Intervention" on tonight.

Then:
Girls don't poop, pee, belch, or eat heavy meals.
Now:
Dude, did you hear that? That went on for almost a minute!

Then:
I hope someone at least hits on me tonight!
Now:
Stop bothering me, I'm discussing the Internet with my girlfriends.

Then:
Well, he's not that interesting/cute/emotionally stable, but dinner sounds lovely.
Now:
Do I really want to put on mascara for this man?

Lazers!

2009-01-26T17:59:00.002-06:00

So, I finally took Cosmo to the vet today because I've been noticing he's been scratching at his neck and head so much that he's been getting scabs on his skin (gross). I'm one of those cat owners who don't take their cats in every year because, well, if they're not sick and acting like normal cats (which is to say they sleep most of the day, drink out of the toilet, and wake me up in the middle of the night scratching at the closet doors), why go through the trouble. Cosmo doesn't travel well and has outgrown his carrier so a friend kindly lent me her giant dog sized carrier (note to self, buy a new carrier). ANYWAY, I paid $120 for the vet to tell me that he's overweight, is really sweet (apparently only at the vet), got a distemper, and that he has ear mites (AGAIN). Sigh. If I would have suspected mites, I would have brought both the little bastards in, but he didn't have the classic signs. Even the vet was surprised. I was embarrassed and felt horrible. Cosmo's been scratching for a while and I just had no idea. Anyway, I had to run to PetsMart to get Miticide for Agent, run home, treat her so she wouldn't reinfect Cosmo, run BACK to the vet, pick up a cranky cat, drop him off, then go to the grocery store. Owning pets is fun.

P.S. Take your cats to The City Cat Clinic because they are awesome.

Culture Comes to us all...

2009-01-18T22:56:00.002-06:00

A little known fact about me...I am a closet philistine. Remember that scene in "Steel Magnolias" when Wheezer talks about not seeing plays because she can nap at home for free? Yeah, that's pretty much me. I am not a great fan of The Theater. I despise musicals and I don't get a lot of the experimental stuff out there (which is about the extent of my exposure to the stage). With the exception of the opera and stuff my friends are in, I generally have no interest in seeing live theater. It's probably because I haven't really seen enough to know when something's BRILLIANT or whatever. Anyway, tonight I went to a show at Bryant Lake Bowl that Sandra's friend was a part of. It seemed like a fun outing and I haven't been to BLB in an embarrasingly long time. Plus, it was billed as a comedy and was supposed to only go for an hour or so, so I figured, "what the hell?" Well, I hate to be mean, but the show was mostly terrible and painfully not funny. It tried to be funny, but pretty much failed on all levels (and that's the worst type of comedy). I don't want to name the show because the troupe was genuinely earnest and excited about their original works (and the last skit was very good), so I don't feel right completely bashing them. Christ, for all my experience, it was probably a great performance, but it just seemed stilted and overwrought to me.

It was not a wasted trip, however, because Sandra and I did get some exceptional eats. The cheese plate was massive (if not very creative) and had plentiful helpings of my two favorite cheeses, smoked Gouda and chevre, as well as some dill Havarti and a giant pile of fruit. I find that most cheese plates in this town are MASSIVE rip-offs in that you never get enough cheese or some pathetic amount of fruit (a small bunch of grapes and woody strawberries) all for close to 20 bucks and the frustration of knowing you should have ordered the cheese curds you were eyeballing. I fall for the cheese plate trap a lot, but I'm always hoping to be surprised. We also ordered the mock duck rolls, which were smoky, garlicky, fried bundles of awesomeness. The peanut sauce had a little zip to it, but could have been a little spicier in my opinion. The rolls were fried in wanton paper (I think) and fried perfectly (not overly greasy and didn't shred your gums when you bit into it). Mock duck is definitely something I don't order often enough, but always love it when I do. I was also excited that BLB has Rogue Dead Guy Ale, which even though it probably doesn't pair very well with cheese plates and mock duck, is one of my favorite beers. It doesn't have the obnoxious level of hops in the newer ales on the market (this is a gigantic pet peeve of mine) and a slight honey aftertaste. I wish more bars would carry it.

Anyway, it was a fun night on the town and a good reason to put on mascara.

Sexy Medicine...

2009-01-14T17:03:00.003-06:00

Quick confession: I wait 2 months to see a particular eye doctor because he's hot. He's my sexy Ophthalmologist. I also have a sexy dentist for whom I wait ridiculous amounts of time to see. Too bad I don't have a sexy Gyno.

I'm a Full On Old Lady

2009-01-12T22:41:00.004-06:00

So, I thought I would update you on what I've been working on for crochet projects since I am now a full-blown crochet addict.

I spent New Year's weekend perfecting my doily making skills and have now decided that I'm going to cover my apartment with doilies in order to save time on vacuuming (not really, but they are kind of fun to make)

Here's a small little snowflake doily. I might make a bunch of these in white to use a coasters during the holiday:

This one was a bitch to block but I'm really pleased at how it sets of my tea set. I should have a tea party this spring. Finger sandwiches, anyone (heh, finger...)?

I was going to make a different doily with the black thread, but the pattern was really weird and I was having a hard time seeing the stitches, so I made this little cutie:

I also made a cute hat and scarf set for Sandra, but forgot to take a picture of it. It turned out so cute that I'm going to make a set for myself. Now I'm working on a gigantic complicated afghan and a layette for a certain someone who reads this blog, but they're going to take a while.

I'm a nerd.

Family Schmamily...

2009-01-07T09:55:00.002-06:00

As the end of my Master's program draws nearer and nearer (I'll be done in about a year) I've started thinking about something that's been bugging me for about 8 years now (it's been said that I can hold a grudge). When I graduated college in 2000 it was an exciting and stressful time. I didn't get into medical school, was set to move to a new city where I didn't have a job, and I was going to spend the summer working with an ex-boyfriend, but I was excited to finally graduate and get my life started. The day of the ceremony I was talking to my mom wondering if we should make reservations at a restaurant for my extended family to have lunch after graduation. That's when she told me that no one from either side was coming except for her sister and brother-in-law. I was stunned. I had sent out over 30 invitations (and they weren't cheap, either…fucking Jostens) and was hoping for a decent sized cheering section. My paternal grandparents live in town and couldn't be bothered to drive over to see me graduate, but you bet your ass they would drive over a thousand miles to see 2 of my cousins get married (one of them for the second time) and go to every fucking christening, first communion, and bullshit doomed marriage ceremony, but they can't drive 5 miles to see their granddaughter graduate from college (the first grandchild to do so). Now, I didn't really expect that my relatives that lived out of state to make the trip, but I was really pissed my in-town relatives wouldn't and said so to my parents. My dad felt really bad and my mom was pretty pissed too, but told me that she wasn't surprised.
To this day, I'll never forget how shitty that made me feel, especially when I went to my cousin's wedding and saw how many of my relatives were there. It kind of opened my eyes to their priorities since not one person asked me how grad school was going (save for the bride and one uncle), but sure as shit, most of them asked when I was going to get married. I'm not sure if I'm going to walk when I graduate from Metro, but you can bet your ass that I'm not going out of my way to invite anyone except for my parents and close friends.

2009 Bitches...

2009-01-01T00:46:00.002-06:00

I resolve that this year will be the year of no bad shit happening to me or my loved ones. Oh, and that I meet a guy that can put up with my crazy bullshit who's not a douche.

Happy New Year and I hope you got some tongue because I spent my NYE with a bunch of The Gays and only got complimented on my earrings.

Crazy Christmas

2008-12-22T22:32:00.002-06:00

After sending my mom a list of things I might want for Christmas, I began thinking of gifts that I've always wanted to ask for, but since they were kind of weird, I never did:

1. The Chia Herb Garden. Shut up, you know you want one too.
2. Anything advertised by the Oxy Clean guy. Mighty Putty is my new obsession.
3. One of those ice scrapers with the big fake fur mitt around it.
4. A smokeless ashtray.
5. One of those plug in travel mugs.
6. A personal back massager (not really weird, but my mom would probably think ill of it).
7. Footed pajamas.
8. The Clapper (I'm actually kind of obsessed with the "As Seen On TV" stuff).
9. A vacuum cleaner (not weird either, but kind of a boring gift to ask for)

What are some of the weird (or inappropriate) gifts you wish you would have asked for?

Snow Day

2008-12-21T01:43:00.001-06:00

Snow days make me lonely. Seriously, I wish I had someone to snuggle up with for the evening.

Birthday Bar Room Conversations

2008-12-15T14:00:00.002-06:00

So, it was my 31st birthay yesterday, and I met a few friends for an early party at Grumpy's on Saturday. Unfortunately, I forgot to take pictures, but I will let you in on some of the more interesting conversations and observations of the evening:
--Breastfeeding and how long it should be done. The general consensus was before the kid is forming complete sentences and lighting your cigarette for you. We did not discuss if it is or is not proper to do it in public. I, for one, could care less either way.
--The racing game at Gameworks (where you sit in a toy-sized car and it moves and swerve) is like sitting on the washing machine during the spin cycle (if you know what I mean).
--Grumpy's has a bum fire on the back patio for smokers.
--Grumpy's also needs to hire more waitresses for Saturday nights.
--Watching people play is way more interesting than watching some drunk chick sing Wind Beneath My Wings at a kareoke night.
--Some guys are STILL sporting the so-tight-my-sperm-is-simmering jeans. Why This is such an awful and absurd look. Especially if you're overweight.
--Mohawks are still cool, especially the tall, spikey ones.
--There are actually Rocker boys in Wayzata. Who knew?
--A lot of woment find single dads sexy.

And then I went home at a respectable hour and fell asleep in my contacts on the couch.

Some Good News

2008-12-12T22:08:00.002-06:00

I totally squeaked by with a B- in my finance class (I can't get lower than a B- in any Master's level class). Considering the blood, sweat, and tears I shed over this class I feel that it was totally fucking earned.

Today

2008-12-11T19:23:00.002-06:00

Today I am thankful for friends. Old friends, new friends, and work friends. You have all been so helpful to me this past week that I'm just blown away. You are all wonderful, smart, giving people and I'm truly thankful that you are all in my life. I give you all big, sloppy, wet tongue kisses.

Christmas Wish List

2008-12-07T19:00:00.002-06:00

My mom wants to send me a list of things I want for Christmas. This has never really been hard for me over the years. Except for this year. I really don't need anything and the things I want are hard to pick out. At any rate, over the last few days I really just want 2008 to be over. I want 2009 to be drama free and easy going. I don't want any hard decisions, sleepless nights, and want anxiety free days. The way things are going, I just want to stay in my apartment except to go to work and school. I'm tired of being an adult, making adult decisions, disappointment, and unfulfilled wishes. I just want to go back to the mid-eighties when my life was filled with sleepovers, trips to Menard's with my dad, and trips to my grandmother's house.

But, since my parents currently do not have the ability to harness the power of time travel, I think I'll ask for a pair of lamps and a toile bed-in-a-bag.

Notice

2008-12-03T23:50:00.001-06:00

I'm going to be out of commission here for a while. I have some stuff to deal with right now and writing stuff is not one of them. Leave some funny stories in the comments or something.

M.I.A.

2008-12-02T17:19:00.002-06:00

I know I've been neglecting you, dear readers. Thanksgiving was fun, despite a lackluster dinner from Byerly's (seriously, I could have done it better myself). The parents and I did some shopping at Ridgedale, my mom bought me a pair of Uggs moccosins for bumming around the house, and we had a fabulous dinner at The Red Stag. Like it was probably one of the best dining experiences I've had since getting $60 in free sushi at Origami (thanks Jiro!). Anyway, here's a picture of some duck butts from the Strib to tide you over until this horrible class is over with next week.

Non-Post

2008-11-20T20:24:00.002-06:00

I have some stuff to talk about and pictures to post, but since this week is a total wash, it'll have to wait till Saturday.

Meanwhile, I'd just like to say that the heads of The Big Three really have some fucking balls asking for $25 billion dollars to save the companies they helped run into the damn ground after flying into Washington on their private jets (that's right JETS, they couldn't even be bothered to fucking carpool, let alone fly commercial). Crybaby billionaires who have no idea what it means to be poor, live paycheck to paycheck, or to have to work 3 jobs just don't elicit a lot of sympathy with me, even though their employees do. When will CEO's stop thinking about only their shareholders and their own wallets and actually plan ahead? And you would think they would have learned a lesson from the massive bailout of Chrysler 30 years ago. But, apparently they don't teach foresight or common sense at Harvard Business School.

It's That Time Again...

2008-11-10T12:50:00.001-06:00

In three short weeks, we will again gear up for the Holiday frenzy. Held hostage by roasted turkeys, boats of gravy, obnoxious toy and jewlery commercials, and general assholery at retail establishments. Aren't you excited? Anyway, this is my 6th year of hosting and cooking Thanksgiving dinner for my parents and the thought of cooking is giving me the anxieties. It's not that I don't like cooking or that I'm not good at it, it's just that it's FUCKING STRESSFUL trying to time the meal before all the booze kicks in. Now I know why my mom never had the holidays at her house. Anyway, I'm trying to decide if I should just order the meal from Byerly's this time and do the baking myself or do the same old cooking bullshit. It's $70 for a meal for 3-5 and it consists of everything I would normally make myself (and at about the same price, give or take), plus there's the added benefit of not killing myself over the stove. Has anyone else taken the easy route? Thoughts?

Change

2008-11-06T19:25:00.003-06:00

My mom and I had an interesting conversation about politics today. We were talking about how great it was that people were feeling so excited about their new president and were, for the first time in a long time, hopeful about our future, when she brought up Nixon's presidency, his race against McGovern (native South Dakotan and wonderful human being), and "All The President's Men." Both my dad and grandfather were stanch Republicans at the time and were giving her a hard time about voting for McGovern. She voted against Nixon because she despised his dirty campaign and the horrible things he said about and did to his opponent. When the shit hit the fan a few years later, she said that she could barely contain herself from dancing a gig around her husband as Nixon squirmed and sweat in front of the American public. She was absolutely disgusted by how one man could singlehandedly destroy what little faith people had in their President and knew this country would never be the same again. When I mentioned that I worked with 2 guys that still, to this day, consider Nixon one of America's greatest presidents, she snarled, "yeah, most people who think that are middle-aged men who probably think women should stay in the kitchen." And, in my opinion, she's right about our cynicism. People are incredibly skeptical about our government leaders, even the ones they like, and it wasn't Bush who was responsible for that. That's why, even though I'm incredibly excited to FINALLY have a Democrat back in office, I desperately hope he does all he can to help Americans gain back some of that innocence and optimism of the future.

Oh, and Ma Aliecat recommends that we all watch "All the President's Men" again.

A Victory For Women

2008-11-04T22:04:00.004-06:00

It happened tonight, and it happened in South Dakota. Yes, the staunchly Republican state that probably hasn't elected a Democratic President since Kennedy (and I'm not even sure on that one, I'm thinking FDR) has more than likely voted no on a SECOND try to ban virtually all abortions in the state. Suck it, Ms. Unruh, and keep your nose out of our uterii.

Oh, and congratulations to President Obama, too. I knew you could do it!

Do Your Civic Duty

2008-11-04T09:24:00.001-06:00

I spent 45 minutes at the polls today, to get my sticker and free cup of coffee. I feel good, I feel proud that 90 years ago I wouldn't be able to fill in the little ovals in an elementary school gymnasium, but mostly I feel relief because the barrage of commercials and fliers will be over in about 8 hours.

God Bless America!

A Shitty Little Story

2008-10-28T16:16:00.001-05:00

Once upon a time, waaaayyy back in the early to mid '90's, when my dad was on one of his 2 week Guard camps, my mom and I decided to see a movie together. L.A. Story at the Carmike Cinema, to be exact. I don't really remember what the movie was about, other than weird billboards and that Steve Martin was oddly unfunny in it, but I will never forget what came after.

As per usual, my mom and I each got a small Diet Coke (which for some reason, is always around 64 ounces) and, like the capacity of the entire multiplex, we needed to use the Ladies' after the flick. During my satisfying pee I heard the stall door next to me swing open and bang shut and then proceeded to bear witness to the sounds of the worst case of gassy diarrhea north of the Rio Grande. I mean it, it was almost apocalyptic in sound and smell. I should have been horrified. Hell, I should have passed out and had a grand mal seizure right there in the stall with my pants around my ankles. But then this strange wave passed over me (along with a thick fog of intestinal stench), hysterical, inappropriate, barely containable laughter. I quickly finished my business with my eyes squeezed shut and tongue firmly between my molars so that I could get the hell out of there and release the gargantuan guffaw rising up my throat. But as I swung the stall door open, who should I see? My mother. My fair and gentle mother, who for the first 6 months of dating my dad, would neither eat nor use the restrooms during a date (she was convinced he would think she was gross for admitting that she both digests food and expels it, like other humans on the planet), standing there, hand firmly clamped over her mouth, shoulders shaking, and tears rolling down her cheeks. I let loose a loud bark of laughter before grabbing her by her coat sleeve and hauling ass out of there, forgetting to even wash my hands, lest my head explode all over the nice ladies who were deciding if they should stay in line or flee like rats on a stinking…er, sinking shit…I mean ship.

Once we reached fresh oxygen (well, as fresh as movie theater oxygen can be), mom and I couldn't stop laughing to save our lives. I'm surprised I didn't literally bust a gut. Seriously, if I wasn't afraid of the mystery stains on the carpet, I would have rolled around on the floor laughing. Can one die of laughter? I think one just could. Mom and I laughed all the way home, trying to out-gross each other with euphemisms for poop, making diarrhea sounds, and trying to navigate the streets of Sioux Falls during fits of hysterical laughter. I know it's probably wrong to laugh at someone's poor choice of Mexican restaurants or possible IBS, but damnit, that was the best damn laugh I've had in a long time, and I'm happy to say that it was with my mom.

Apologies

2008-10-28T10:14:00.001-05:00

I know I've been neglecting you, dear readers, and hopefully none of you have flitted off into the night in search of other blogs to cheat on me with. I've been terribly busy trying to salvage my Finance grade and working on a group presentation on the merits of taking a bank public. Pretty apropos, no? Anyway, the presentation is tomorrow, so hopefully you could unpack your bags until then?

Intellectual Smackdown

2008-10-22T22:21:00.003-05:00

Remember when you were in school and took a really hard test in a subject that you think you have a pretty good grasp of, seems pretty straight-foward, and left the classroom thinking that you got at least a low B? Then, the next week you get your test back only to find that you failed it miserably, even with the curve (which was totally fucked up by that genius level foreign kid), and you just want to quit and resign yourself to mid-level clerical drudgery for the rest of your life, hoping like hell that you marry well and widow better?

Yeah, that was me tonight.

Fuck you, Finance.

Is One Really the Lonliest Number?

2008-10-20T11:42:00.001-05:00

I've been single for more than 2 years and there are days where I really wish I had someone in my life (and not just to take out the trash or reach the stuff on the high shelves). However, there are also days where I look back on the time when I did have a boyfriend (especially a live-in) and wonder, "Jesus Christ, how did I make that work?" The thought of sharing my space, time, the remote, and my ice cream just boggles my mind and thinking about making conversation with another person every…single…day…just makes my head hurt. Does that mean that I'm transforming into a confirmed bachelorette (I refuse to use the word old-maid, but spinster always makes me laugh) or does that mean that my inner only-child is just happy that she doesn't have to share her toys anymore?

Tea Time

2008-10-11T18:52:00.002-05:00

So, I went thrifting today at my new favorite store, Arc's Value Village in Richfield. Arc's is a treasure trove of mid-century housewares and I was in the mood for some tea cups and a creamer set to go with the tea pot I got from Sandra.

Behold, these lovely three cheapies (29 cents!) and the sugar/creamer that nearly match the tea pot:

And then I almost died when I saw this:

$7.99 is a little steep for anything I would normally buy at a thrift store, but, dear god, the bakelite is in perfect condition and the chrome is BEAUTIFUL. It looks like it's never been used (seriously, there aren't even any water spots on it from being washed). It even comes apart! I cannot wait to use it at my next party and at Thanksgiving to serve cookies and whatnot.

Unfortunately, I didn't find what I really wanted, a mid-century sideboard or china cabinet, which means I need to put the kibosh on any new acquisitions.

Ok, Fine Then...

2008-10-05T01:24:00.001-05:00

The Haircut and miles of cleavage., originally uploaded by kittykatlounge.

Here's the new haircut, you demanding bastards. Oh, and a shot of about a third of my tit. Enjoy your Sunday and go to church, you dirty jerks.

Let's Play a Game

2008-10-02T08:43:00.001-05:00

Let's play "Guess what's making Aliecat feel like shit," shall we? For the past two weeks or so I've been feeling vaguely hungry all day, which is driving me nuts. Furthermore, I've been tired to the point where I feel like I have weakness in my arms and legs. I entered my symptoms into WebMD and I either have acute anxiety, pernicious anemia, or diabetes. Thanks, and fuck you, WebMD. First of all, no on the anxiety…I know what that is having viewed it in my mother. Second, the dia-bee-tus…hmm, well, could be, except that I don't have excessive thirst, frequent urination, or tingling in my feet and hands. Plus, I don't want it. So there. As for the pernicious anemia (vitamin B-12 deficiency)…well, there may be something to that. When I had my last surgery, all totaled, the doctor removed 6 inches of my large intestine and said that in the future I may have problems with vitamin deficiency. I had a blood test about 2 years ago for it, but it was normal. However, the doc said that your body can store excess vitamin B-12 for up to 3 years and that I should have it checked every year. So, I'm hoping I can hold on until my yearly physical in November so that I can avoid a co-pay. What do you smarties think?

Anxiety By Proxy

2008-09-30T09:13:00.001-05:00

So, lately, all we've been hearing about on the news is this shit about the financial economy and The Depression 2.0, and I gotta tell ya, it's making me crazy. I used to want to be a psychiatrist when I was young and it seemed that a lot of my friends would come to me with their problems, hopes, fears, and delimas. However, somewhere along the way, I learned that listening to others' woe's filled me with terrible anxiety. And I mean stomach churning, awake at 3 a.m. anxiety. Now, it's not that I don’t want to listen to my friends' problems and try and give some helpful advice, it's just that I tend to internalize their problems and play endless "what if" scenarios in my head. I get crazy worried about those friends and then, before you know it, I'm imagining myself in their situation. It's nuts, I know. My mother is the same way, and it's one of the things that drives me crazy about her.

Which is why I just cannot listen to this financial crisis business anymore. That's it. Enough. I've now become paranoid about my own job (stable and just got a raise), my finances (still on track and paying down credit), my living situation (my landlord loves me because I jumped his car and never bitch at him about stupid shit), and worried about what's going to happen after I get out of graduate school. I just want the powers that be to make a decision, any decision, so we can all move on, elect a president, and then go on with our lives. I'm tired of every story being about some person who's now unemployed and selling their stuff to pay medical bills or can't afford gas and milk for the baby (seriously NPR, stop, it's depressing as hell and makes me cry on my way home from work). News stories have reached hysterical levels and it's time for more puppies and kittens.

The Hair Up There

2008-09-25T10:14:00.001-05:00

Well, the battle of wills between me and my hair has been won by…my hair. I'm so goddamn fucking sick of it and blow drying it and clogging my sink and shower drain with it, that I've made an appointment to cut it off tomorrow. I'm planning on getting a layered bob and then going out on the town for Abysmal Chick's birthday. The only direction I'm giving my awesome stylist (Mahogany at Head to Toe Salon) is to make sure the style gets me some tail.

Wish me luck!

Mill City

2008-09-20T20:39:00.002-05:00

Well, since Minneapolis wasn't blessed with rain showers or a plague of locusts on this ominous day, Melissa and I decided to visit a farmer's market and have some lunch beers. Since I've been meaning to go all summer, I persuaded Melissa to eschew St Paul's market for the Mill City Market. We just made it for the last 45 minutes, but it was enough time to buy some cool flowers, cucumbers, green beans, and a pound of coffee.

Next week Melissa and I are going early to try the Beef Tongue Taco. I've always wondered what a taco that could taste me at the same time as I'm tasting it would taste like.

Melissa came prepared with a market bag, so I made her my Sherpa while I snapped pics.

Look! It's a big gray building!

I read on their website that the market is supposed to be dog free...I guess some people just figure that their dogs are invisible.

It was hotter than hell between these buildings.

Despite being infested with greasy, fratty, U of M douchebags, Tuggs really does have a great patio view:

I usually don't buy flowers for myself, but these bouquets with little cabbages were just too cute, as was the lady selling them:

Agent likes cabbage, I guess:

Next week I'm going back for the taco, some beef, and cheese...and maybe some squash.

How to Effectively Ruin My Day...

2008-09-17T08:34:00.001-05:00

...tell me that the only man I've ever really loved, and can never have again, is getting married this Saturday. I just want to curl up and die right now.

She's Crafty

2008-09-08T23:05:00.002-05:00

When I was young, my grandmother taught me how to crochet. She was a major knitter, crocheter, lace tatter, and sewer; but as she slipped into the grips of extreme morbid obesity, she seemed to lose all interest in crafting. Luckily, she taught me the fundamentals of crochet as a way to keep me busy while she watched her stories. As I got older, I kind of lost interest in crocheting, I guess it just wasn't cool enough, or whatever. But ever since I got sick and had to spend 2 months on my couch, nursing a 6 inch incision in my belly, I've been searching for a hobby that can prevent me from smoking a pack of cigarettes in 6 hours. I tried to teach myself knitting, but didn't have the patience for handling the needles. Then, a couple of weeks ago, driven by my lack of bedding and a frustration by the expense of throw rugs, I decided to try my hand at crocheting again. It's actually a perfect hobby for people with slightly obsessive minds and slight OCD tendencies.

This is my first project:

It's a simple single crochet pattern with homespun, multicolored yarn and is super soft and warm. It took me about 3 weeks to make and was well worth the neck ache and finger cramps.

This is my next project:

It's actually a men's scarf pattern, but I made it with more feminine colors and halved the width. It took me basically all weekend to make (shut up, I was fucking tired from my hell week last week and needed to just hermitize myself for a couple days) and I'm really happy with it, especially the length. There's nothing more disappointing than a scarf that's too short and doesn't drape right. It doesn't really go with any of my coats, so I may give it to someone (shoot me an e-mail if you want it), as I'm going to make another one just like it, except with a cashmere blend yarn.

Also, I've kind of worn out the possibilities for yarn at Michael's, so I'm thinking about setting out next week to the local yarn stores to pick up something really fantastic for an afghan I want to make for my mom for Christmas.

Anyway, this is probably the nerdiest post I've written to date and has probably destroyed the small amount of sex appeal I have left.

Christ on a Bike...

2008-09-03T22:39:00.000-05:00

I really do have shit to write about and pictures from my Labor Day weekend, but I'm too fucking busy and exhausted to do it right now. Bear with me, folks!

Women's Entertainment

2008-08-25T22:13:00.002-05:00

I have a sickness. I'm a glutton for punishment when it comes to TV. I will continue to watch a show that I hate, week after week, just so I can bitch about how horrible it is. My favorite so far is Bridezillas on WE (mainly because if I watch one more episode of "Sex in the City" I'll slit my own throat). When I first caught it a couple of years ago, I kind of chuckled about how these women would work themselves into a lather over people screwing around during the rehearsal and understood one bride's freakout when her florist was a no-show. Now, I just want to murder all these women dead. The brides are getting progressively more batshit crazy and just plain disgusting. I wanted to strangle the one woman with her own fallopian tubes who quit her job because she just couldn't possibly plan the wedding of the century and work full-time. Then there was the woman who tore her veil to shreds because it was off-white and threw a shit fit at a restaurant because the diamonds in her wedding band weren't big enough (when asked why he was marrying her, future battered husband just shrugged and stated: "It's better than being alone). This woman needed to be put on a 72 hour hold, not stuffed into taffeta and paraded around a reception hall. I watched, eyes agog, as one 250 pound bride forced her fiance to do a 5 a.m. workout bootcamp 5 days before the wedding because she didn't want him to "look fat" for the pictures. Irony served with a side of pot and kettle, please!

Then there was last Sunday's episode. Megan is a charming young woman from Ohio who is determined that no one (not even herself) has fun at the wedding. Her fiance stated that he was basically nagged into proposing while driving to a family function after buying her a cocktail ring several years before. Yeah, the stuff dreams are made of, I know. This girl is quite possibly the meanest waste of flesh I've ever had the displeasure of being made aware of (and I'm including Tucker Max in that statement). Not only does she refer to her wedding party as "idiots" to their faces as they attempt to help her with her dress, tell her future husband that, after they are married, he will not be hanging out with his friends anymore as her friends will be all the friends he needs (forget the fact that I'm shocked that she even has friends), but then she tells her friend of 10 years that she looks like she's packed on a few and needs a new dress. And that's not even the wost of it as all of these people just SIT THERE AND TAKE IT!

At first I thought that these guys were just the worst kind of hen-pecked weaklings that will spend the next 15 years getting drunk in the garage before running off with the nanny after knocking up his sister-in-law; now I'm certain they're all suffering from Stockholm Syndrome. I mean these women are getting away with behavior consistent with emotional (and sometimes physical) abuse and THEY JUST SIT THERE. WTF? My ex got pissed at me when I, somewhat petulantly, remarked that he was wasting his money on a gym membership that he hadn't used for 2 years, especially since he was unemployed at the time, and yet some chick in Ohio can flirt with her fiance's best friend during a combination bachelor/bachelorette party while he looks on and impotently drinks a beer. Either this woman gives a blow job like she's sucking the chrome of a trailer hitch or she's got some kind of mind control ability that I need to be made aware of.

What blows my mind all over my living room is when the future husband insists that his future wife is sweet and loving, but is simply stressed out with all the wedding planning. BULL. SHIT. This behavior is diagnosable, folks, and it's called narcissism with shades of borderline personality disorder and delusions of grandeur, and if these guys had brain one, they would pack up their testicles and run for the border. I look forward to 5 years from now when WE rolls out "Divorce Lawyerzillas" and all of these pinheads are saddled up to the bargaining table.

The Glass is Half Empty

2008-08-20T21:49:00.002-05:00

So, summer is almost over and all I can think of is the things I wanted to do this summer, but didn't.

1. Didn't go camping.

2. Didn't lose 10 pounds by walking or going to yoga (I have no willpower and have chronic fatigue from my surgeries).

3. Didn't snag a boyfriend.

4. Didn't get to the farmer's market (but I still have time on this).

5. Didn't really switch from beer to liquor (I just have no head for spirits anymore).

6. Didn't shake my hermit-y ways or stick to my vitamin regimen.

7. Didn't find a new eyeshadow or the perfect shampoo for growing out my hair.

However, I have kept my new plants alive for 30 consecutive days (although one plant's leaves keep drying out), went to a music festival, got laid, went on a day trip, went to lots of outdoor happy hours, and successfully attended a wedding without wanting to stick a pen in my eye.

Beautiful Snowflake Stalker

2008-08-14T14:25:00.001-05:00

OK, so today I got this weird text message: "You're a unique and beautiful snowflake. People care about you." (Gag. You might as well tell me that everything happens for a reason.) The wierdest thing is that I have no idea who this is from. The number is only 5 digits long (83960) and there's no caller ID. I responded back with a more polite version of "Who the fuck is this and what do you know about me? Are you looking in my windows? Should I call the cops?" but I haven't received an answer, so I'm wondering if this is text spam.

If I start getting texts about how to increase the length and girth of my penis or Irish Lottery winnings, heads will fucking roll.

Saturday Daytrip

2008-08-10T13:45:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, Sandra and I decided to get out of the city and do a mini-daytrip to the overpriced antiquing hamlet of historic downtown Stillwater, MN. I was hoping to find some jadeite or milk glass and Sandra was looking for some furniture deals. Unfortunately, we failed to really find what we were looking for, with the exception of a 30's Hyde dinner table marked down to $195 from $650 and a formica dining set in beautiful condition for $125. Alas, we had no way to transport them home, or the cash, but we managed to have a good time window shopping and touring the old Wolf Brewery.

I found these at a kitchen store...want. Hard. However, $30 for a coffee mug is a bit excessive, if you ask me.

I almost bought this hat...

Walleye sandwich at the Freight house...it was very, very good. Not greasy at all.

Sandra's Barbecue Pulled Pork Sandwich with sweet potato fries. The sauce was lovely, not too sweet with a vinegar overtone.

Good food, great patio overlooking the St Croix River

Vamping in front of the Freight House

After we were basically tired of antique shops (after browsing through about 5 of them, we determined they all sold the same stuff) and looking for a shady spot to rest our feets, we headed down to the St Croix River.

Lift Bridge over the St Croix River...I wanted to drive over it, but then what? Turn around?

We were treated to a medley of Rolling Stones tunes and other hits from The Summer of Love by this sweaty busker. He was definitely having a good time!

I wished I had some popcorn or crackers for the gulls. One of them kept swooping those who were floating peacefully in the river. Dick.

We also took a tour of the Joseph Wolf Brewery limestone caves, used to brew and store beer from the late 1800's to the early 1900's. No longer used as a brewery, the Luna Rossa restaurant now gives tours. For $5 you can learn about why a good brewmaster should have horrible teeth, get dripped on, drink 95% pure spring water, and be annoyed by a small child.

This beer wagon was left in the cave brewery after James Wolf sold it. Probably dates to the late 1800's or 1900's.

Old ginger beer bottles left over from Prohibition. I took a photo of a torpedo bottle (it didn't have a flattened bottom so you had to chug it), but it was blurry. Story of my life.

Before leaving Stillwater (not coincidentally just after people started pouring in to sample the downtown nightlife), I spied this carriage horse nomming some hay out of the back of a truck.

All in all, Stillwater is very charming and an excellent pick on a sunny day if you're just looking to window shop and have a nice lunch on less than half a tank of gas.

Strip Mall Heros

2008-08-06T22:03:00.003-05:00

Every so often there's a news story about the people that live and work here that just completely amazes me and fills me with pride:

Bus catches fire, eight people taken to the hospital

NEW BRIGHTON, Minn. -- A bus belonging to a group home caught fire, sending eight people to the hospital. It happened Wednesday afternoon near Silver Lake Road and Palmer Drive in New Brighton.

Five passengers, the driver of the bus, and two police officers were taken to area hospitals for minor smoke inhalation.

Two good Samaritans were also treated at the scene.

The passengers on the bus had special needs. Four of them were locked in place in wheelchairs.

Witnesses say they got the last passenger out of the bus just seconds before it burst into flames.

First responders say they were very impressed with the efforts of everyone who helped out.

An initial investigation shows the fire started in the engine compartment, but authorities are still looking into the cause of the fire.

Here's the link to the video of the story.

Despite crime and icy Midwestern "niceness," Minnesota is a place where people look out for each other and don't think twice about risking themselves to help others.

Crime Blotter

2008-08-04T20:26:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I woke up at around 9:30 to get the Sunday paper up at the local convenience store. As I pulled in I noticed a SLP squad car and a Hennepin County sheriff's truck from the crime lab. I didn't try the door as I assumed they were robbed (again) and went farther down Minnetonka Blvd for my Sunday circular fix.

Tonight, I ran back up there for a pack of cigarettes and a fact finding mission. Turns out the clerk was robbed at gun point by two men about an hour and a half before I got there. Now, since I spent the first half of my time in the less than desirable areas of South Minneapolis, I wasn't completely shocked by a convenience store robbery, but it makes me incredibly sad for my neighborhood, mainly because the young middle eastern man felt safer closing a similar store in downtown Minneapolis at 3 a.m. than he does working in SLP in the middle of the afternoon, and is, in fact, quitting tomorrow. It's upsetting that a locally owned store, operated by young, hardworking, kind people, has been victimized twice in about 4 months for about $40 and a cheap laptop. What's even more upsetting is that it seems to be escalating. The first time they were robbed, it was in the middle of the night when the store was closed, now an armed robbery, next time someone might get hurt or killed.

I've never felt unsafe in this neighborhood, but since the first robbery, I don't walk to that store, even though it's only a block and a half away. I run my air conditioning overnight rather than leaving the window open when there's a cool breeze. I'm determined to still patronize the store because I believe in local businesses and the people (hard working immigrants improving their lives and the neighborhood) who own and run it.

Heartache By Proxy

2008-08-03T22:34:00.002-05:00

This post by my great friend Sandra just has me fuming for her. I don't know how he pictured this working out in his mind, but in my own, the question ends with an aching nutsack and a wine soaked shirt. It just fucking flabbergasts me how a man can be so cruel and clueless all at once to a woman who's nothing short of fabulous. He should feel goddamn lucky she even gave him the time of day. It's men like this that makes it that much harder for the good men out there and spinsterism a much more attractive option.

If you need a buddy to go to a certain show and throw the stink eye, give me a call lady! Keep your head up!

Big Girls Don't Cry

2008-07-31T16:58:00.002-05:00

You know, NPR's Story Corps should really put some kind of warning on their podcasts. Something like: WARNING! Listening to this story could leave you sobbing pathetically in the office bathroom.

Seriously, there's nothing worse than, while doing some menial task at your desk, listening to a sweet interview between a woman and her grandfather, when all of the sudden you start bawling because a 90 year old man whimpers "I'm so lonesome," when asked how he's doing after the death of his wife of over 60 years. Or fighting the tears streaming down your cheeks when a man tells the interviewer that sometimes he talks to the ashes of his recently deceased mother who was telling an hysterical story, recorded 3 weeks prior, about how she thought her husband was ugly, but married him anyway because he was smart and catching a thief at Bloomingdales in the 50's.

There outta be a law.

Domesticity

2008-07-27T13:31:00.002-05:00

For the last two weekends I've been attempting to do a little decorating around my apartment. I tend to shy away from tchochkes and such, as the cats seem to have fun knocking them over, but the home base has been looking a little sterile lately. Last weekend I went to Home Depot to buy some house plants to green up the joint

My new container garden center:

I found out this plant is toxic to cats after buying it. Lucky for me, Agent and Cosmo are disinterested in eating plants:

I found this little pitcher and basin in the laundry room and thought it would be a perfect planter for my philodendron cutting:

Yesterday I went to Arc's Value Village in Richfield in search of some kitschy artwork for my dining area. Arc's was a giant clusterfuck because they were having a half off sale on housewares. Didn't find any paintings, but I ended up with these three copper molds to hang in the kitchen and cover two holes from a failed attempt at installing a paper towel rack.

I've always wanted to collect milk glass and jadeite, but ever since Martha Stewart ruined it for The Poors, I settled for this old Avon bath oil container. Cute, yes?

I love those old cut glass ashtrays in hotels and steak houses. This will go perfectly with my cigarette case:

I almost bought this portable bar for Max. Too bad almost all the pieces are missing.

I also got tons of future ideas browsing the vintage area of the store, where I found a 50's era mink hat and costume jewelry. I'm now on the hunt for a vintage 20's or 30's style vanity for my bedroom where I can hang old hats and scarves. I'm getting into the idea of decorating my apartment with mid-century items and kind of wish that my aunt hadn't raided my grandmother's house after she went into the nursing home, as she kept EVERYTHING. I'm also hoping that my grandfather kept his radio/credenza from the 50's. It still works and looks awesome. What are the good shops for this stuff?

Mad Men

2008-07-20T20:02:00.002-05:00

So, I've become completely enthralled with the show "Mad Men." I always pitied women of that era, stuck in a time of stark misogyny and a cycle of house work and children, but if this show is any indication of the era, I've come to pity the men more. Faced with a world where they are also stuck in a cycle of making money, acquiring consumer goods, stuck in a life set forth by their fathers, I've come to a realization of why men were such assholes towards women. People who feel powerless in search of something to control. Controlling their hair with Brill Creme, their collars with ties, and their emotions with a steady stream of booze isn't enough. In the absence of true power, these men seek to control and belittle those whom they deem as less. Women. They put them on a pedestal, yet view them as little more than surrogate mothers or whores. I'm sure feminism came as a great shock. You mean having children and maintaining a ranch home isn't enough to fulfill? Well no shit, sherlock, since three martini lunches and coming home to roast beef and the little woman isn't enough to fulfill a man. I find it very interesting that in just a few short decades women have gone from typing letters, fetching coffee, and having their asses patted to owning companies, running countries, living on their own terms, and generally kicking ass, right along side men (if not a little ahead of them).

I'm Too Young To Be So Old

2008-07-19T22:46:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I feel like I'm too set in my ways to be anything but single and catting around. But really, I do want to settle down, want someone around to take out the trash, change my light bulbs for me, and to generally put up with my shit. But I look for that dream in all the wrong places, pretend that I don't care, often pretend I don't have the feelings that I do. I see friends settling down, making families, making major life decisions, and fuck if I don't envy that. But fuck if that doesn't scare the everliving shit out of me. God, I'm sure you're all sick of hearing me bitch about men, but at this point I'm at a loss. I was single even when I wasn't looking and single when I was trying to do something about it. So, I guess bitching is the only thing left.

Nerding Out with WCCO

2008-07-17T21:02:00.003-05:00

Tonight I had the pleasure of attending the first evar WCCO sponsored bloginar (it's like a webinar, only less annoying and probably more nerdy) at the Freight House Dunn Bros in DT Minneapolis. Even though I'm not a big time blogger (even though I love every one of my roughly 50 readers more than Camel Special Lights), I thought it would be a fun way to meet new people and to heckle Jason DeRusha (yes, I will stalk you if you want). Pics of the event:

Max hides from my papparazzi tendendies

The Blogger Mafia tends to only network with each other

"There are no adult beverages here. I disapprove."

For some reason, Jason's facial expression delights me. I can't pin down why.

Getting ready to listen to the speakers:

According to Brandi, Indiana, Illinois, Ohio are where dreams go to die:

Jason telling the crowd that he wishes he had stalkers

At the end of the Q&A, Dan from WCCO's sales department did a quick pitch about their online add network for bloggers (of which I was rejected). This was also the part of the night where I had my own little FTW moment.

One of the speakers made a comment about allowing blogs with "edgy content" take part in the program, to which we all turned to look at Jeremy (mysteriously rejected as well), but he was apparently in the restroom. To which I threw out this little gem: "He's downstairs creating some 'edgy content' as we speak." I SLAY ME!!!!!

Anyway, I learned way more than I really needed to know about citizen journalism and the tension between traditional and new media, but it was cool to do something in Minneapolis that didn't involve sitting on a patio, drinking beer, and gossiping.

I'm a Softie

2008-07-15T19:25:00.002-05:00

As hard-ass as I may seem, I've been quietly bawling at this story on Cuteoverload.com

Ducks are probably my favorite birds because they seem to have such a cool personality and seem to bring out the urban saviors in all of us.

Seriously, if you don't get the warm fuzzies after reading this, you have a small piece of coal where your heart should be.

I Finally Have an Answer...

2008-07-14T18:48:00.001-05:00

...as to why I'm still single. I'm not 19. I'm serious, I just looked up a guy I met months ago though a dating service (shut up, I'm bored and like online snooping) and discovered that he's dating someone who is NINETEEN (this also explains his disappearing act). This is really messing with my head for some reason and I can't put my finger on why.

Randomishmishness...

2008-07-13T21:06:00.003-05:00

I really have nothing to blog about lately so heres a random list of shit that's been going on with me:

1. I went out last night to O'Gara's (haven't been there for about 4 years) and had a super good time but today I have a wicked crick in my neck.

2. Bought Jeremy's old camera so now you can look forward to more drunken photos.

3. Spent an ungodly amount of money this weekend. Since I'm fairly cheap this is kind of making me sick, but it was on stuff I needed.

4. My neighbors set up a badminton set in the back yard today. I can't decide if it's lame or cool.

5. My lavender plant is dying dispite my best efforts. Damn it.

6. I miss having someone to cuddle up with at night. Le sigh.

7. I've been obsessed with reading Gawker lately. Mainly because all the other websites I visit at work have been blocked.

8. I need some new books to read, any suggestions?

Yeah, pretty lame...hopefully some interesting stuff at a later date.

There is No Limit to my Crazy...

2008-07-08T20:48:00.003-05:00

I have more than a few pet peeves, but there's one peeve that makes me absolutely fucking crazy-train when I come into contact with it. Audible eating. You know what I'm talking about. People who slurp and smack when they're shoveling food into their maws. If I'm eating with an offender, I have to practically sit on my hands to stop myself from punching them IN THE FACE. I used to have a friend in college that was an audible eater and I would either avoid eating with her (if I could do so without sounding like a collosal bitch) or would have to sit 2 chairs away, lest I slap her in the mouth (this was a difficult task, because it drove all my other friends up the wall as well).

I literally become ill while watching "Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern," "Good Eats," and "$40 a Day." These people are on fucking TV slurping, chewing with their mouths open, and FUCKING TALKING WITH THEIR MOUTHS OPEN! Jesus Christ, who raised you? And why hasn't your producer or cameraman slapped you upside the head? You're slurping up noodles like a goddamn 2-year-old with a boom hanging over your yap while I'm getting the dry heaves and scrambling for the remote. Rachel Ray is also guilty of the lesser crime of pulling food off her fork with her teeth. I swear I can hear the scraping of enamel on stainless steel and it makes my butthole pucker with revulsion. I seriously have no idea why you must make noise while you eat to demonstrate enjoyment for food. If you're smiling and nodding, I get it. It's good. And for god's sake, wait till you fucking swallow before you tell me how you can taste the dill or saffron or whatthefuckever. Seriously, I don't know how these people on TV have reached all the way to adulthood without someone telling them to shut their pie holes when they eat because it makes civilized people want to fucking retch. I would love to sit down to dinner with one of them and proceed to stuff 10 saltines in my mouth and then proceed to recite the Gettysburg address 4 inches from their face.

What's your number one pet peeve?

I Need Another Weekend.

2008-07-07T18:39:00.003-05:00

So, this weekend I broke my wedding ban for a good friend of mine (whom I've known for 25 years) and drove down to Sioux Falls to attend her nuptuals. Here's a break down of the wedding in list form:

1. I almost hit a prairie chicken driving out of Windom on Highway 60 (in actuallity, about 400 birds played chicken with my car both there and back).

2. Got into town and wanted to kill myself when I realized how fucking slow people in Sioux Falls drive.

3. The wedding was at The Old Courthouse Museum in downtown Sioux Falls. It was about 80 degrees in the old courtroom because it's apparently pretty difficult to cool a 2 story room in July.

4. Here are some pictures of the beautiful courtroom, etc:

5. The courthouse also has these kick-ass pull chain toilets:

6. Not to mention marble sinks and marble checkered floors:

7. Because the wedding took place in a federal building, my friend had to get a liquor permit that specified they could only distribute booze. Yes, that means it was a free bar!

8. The bride was drunker than the guests. Awesome.

9. I dropped my camera and broke the sonofabitch. Fuck.

10. I wanted a new camera anyway.

11. As usual, I wore inappropriate shoes and wanted to chop off my feet by the end of the night.

12. The bridge spanning the Minnesota River, between St Peter and Le Seuer, is under construction and down to one lane each way, with no shoulder between your car and the flimsy rail that protects drivers from plunging to your death.

13. Avoid using gas station bathrooms that have entrances outside of the building. Gross.

14. Driving over 400 miles in 24 hours sucks. Hard.

15. I think I'm skipping my cousin's wedding in September due to item #14.

Feminisim or Foolery?

2008-07-01T19:11:00.002-05:00

Despite the fact that I hate bridal shows, I found myself watching an episode of Wedding Central on WE this weekend. This particular episode featured the plight of two young women who were participating as Maids of Honor for their friends' weddings. Now, it was a fairly innocuous show (no epic freakouts by bridezillas), but the part that caught my eye was the fact that both women chose to take the bride to a pole dancing class for their bachelorette party. Ever since Carmen Electra touted the benefits of her Stripaerobics class, women everywhere have been signing up to embrace their inner sex worker and I'm not sure how I feel about that. I'm sure it's a thousand times more interesting than a 45 minute step class, but I can't help but feel that it's incredibly silly for grown women to pretend to be strippers. I have nothing against strippers, whatsoever, and have been known to go to a few strip clubs back in the day (women don't pay a cover), but I remain doubious about these classes.

Now, I'm sure it's a great workout and helps you embrace your inner sexiness (hell, it may even teach you a few new moves in the bedroom), but it kind of makes me sad that in order to embrace female sexuality, women are mimicking women who display that sexuality in return for payment. What makes me even sadder is that there is no comparable class or paradigm for men (pimp culture, notwithstanding). As far as I know, there is no amateur Chippendale dance class offered at the local YMCA (but, oh, what a sight that would be, amirite?). Women should be encouraged to embrace their sexuality to become more comfortable with their partners and themselves without the "hooker with a heart of gold" mythology associated with it (not saying that exotic dancers are hookers, but I think you get what I mean), in my opinion. It kind of drives me crazy when neo-feminists assert that we must own sexist stereotypes and sexist words in order to truly embrace what it is to be female, much in the same way old school feminists assert that stripping, posing nude, and being a stay-at-home mother are oppressive and degrading drives me crazy. Female sexuality, like male sexuality, doesn't exist in a vacuum. If you want to embrace something as stripping as an empowering event, then you must be able to embrace a man looking at that woman as an object.

Also, it concerns me that millions of young women are getting the message that their sexuality is about "what can it get me," and not "how can it make me happy." They may be seeing these classes as something that makes them edgy and hip, something to talk about over drinks with their less worldly girlfriends, rather than talking about how sexual double standards affect them in the real world. Furthermore, I'm willing to bet real money that many of the women who attend these classes wouldn't be caught dead in a strip club, nor would they be in love with the idea of their daughters being employed by one.

Obviously, I'm very conflicted when it comes to classes like these. When it comes to workers in the adult industry, I'm more of a mind to "support the person" rather than "support the industry," which can be exploitative and dangerous. I would never consider a woman who dances as a lesser person, but I do wish we lived in a world where women of all educational levels could make a good living without taking their clothes off (unless they wanted to). I wish we lived in a world where a woman could have multiple partners without being considered a slut. I wish we lived in a world where I didn't see 11 year old girls wearing belly shirts and looking up to Paris Hilton (or whoever).

How do you feel about it?

He's Kind of a Big Deal...

2008-06-26T22:30:00.003-05:00

Meet Demitri (via).

I can only imagine a date with Dimitri would involve a romantic dinner where he looks deeply into your eyes as he talks for 3 hours straight about how you're the perfect woman for him because he deserves to be with someone as awesome as he is, encourages you to order the salad or grilled salmon so you don't "pork out," playfully touches your thigh and claims that his hand "slipped" when it moves toward your vag, and then proceeds to hand you a single-spaced typed list of requirements to being his girlfriend (something along the line of "no fat chicks" and "you must put out"). I would imagine sleeping with this man would involve him humping you in front of a mirror so that he can check out his "rockin' abs" and chicken arms for exactly 2 and a half minutes, after which he wipes his cock off on your brand new skirt and shoo-ing you out the door because he has an early spin class the next morning (code for "I need to scam on some skeezes at da club because I just took my last dose of penicillin this afternoon"). The next day, when you realize you left your brand new $30 thong at his apartment (along with your dignity), you try to call him on his Slider, but he doesn't pick up because "yo, this bitch is totally stalking me" as he's walking into his 2:00 appointment for his weekly manicure and brow lightening.

I hate people.

OMG! Like, I Totally Need My Nails Done!

2008-06-25T08:54:00.001-05:00

All of my life I have been a nail biter. I'm not one of those people that chews them clear down to the quick so that the skin from the tip of your finger curls over the nail, but I've always kept them really short. I liked to tell myself that I bit them off because I'm a cellist and you can't play a stringed instrument with nails. I actually had a conductor pass around his nail clipper before a big concert (ew) for those rebels who wanted a little length to the nail to make their polish look pretty. After college (and after quitting playing the cello) I continued to bite them out of habit and nervousness even though my mom would repeatedly yell at me to knock it off. Then, a couple of years ago I decided to try and break the habit so that I could get manicures without feeling like a poser. The secret, I found, was to get a $50 spa manicure at Juut. The thought of chomping down on a nail that cost $5 to buff and paint was enough to break the habit. Also, I found that my fingers looked less stubby and more graceful, like my mom's. I can get a french manicure without having to pay for acrylics (which are horrible for the nail bed and look silly to me) and my nails make a cute little click-clack on my keyboard.

Anyway, I've been alternating between Ocean Spa & Nails in the Excelsior on Grand complex and Paradise Nails in Hopkins ($15 for a french mani!) but was wondering where you girls (and possibly guys) go?

Motherfucker...

2008-06-23T10:28:00.001-05:00

So, I'm sure you've all heard by now that one of my favorite comedians, George Carlin, died on Sunday at the age of 71. My mom and I loved watching his HBO specials (apparently show with creative use of the word "fuck" didn't bother my mom as much as letting me watch films with mild nudity or simulated sex) and he singlehandedly saved Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, in my opinion. He will be greatly missed.

So, celebrate George's life and go out and call someone a cocksucker today.

I'm Okay, You're Okay...

2008-06-22T20:24:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I feel like I'm the emotional equivalent of a wet bag of cement. It's what you get when a German woman with a shitty dad and an Irish man with a raging bitch of a mother get together, have a kid, and raise her as a Lutheran. We don't talk about feelings, rarely get demonstratively angry, only hug on birthdays and goodbyes, and hardly ever express love in words. I'm pretty sure I've talked about this before, but it's been on my mind again. Expressing my feelings lets people into a part of my life that I've worked very hard to keep private and free from judgment. Sometimes I wished I could be more expressive, more comfortable with my feelings, and less concerned with maintaining the illusion that all is well.

Pool Party

2008-06-22T17:14:00.003-05:00

Ain't no party like a condo pool party. Friday, Abysmal Chick hosted a pool party at her condo and we tore that shit up like no other. As a matter of fact, I spent most of Saturday laying on the couch, too hung over to even remove my eye makeup from the night before. So enjoy some of the photos I took (over half of them I can't post because they're naughty).

Brandi and Max get down with their bad selves.

White boy, PLEASE!

Max rocks the reverse shocker

Coco gets ready to attack an unsuspecting Max.

Please, no photos!

Anyways, there's nothing else interesting to report...

I'm a Bad Movie Connoisseur

2008-06-17T10:47:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I really hate having to get up early in the morning. Not because I'm not a morning person (which I am), but because sometimes there is a completely awesomely bad movie on cable that I have to quit watching half way through because I can't stay up till 11:30 to finish it. And no, I don't have TiVo or a VCR, so I can't record it either. However, awesomely bad movies shouldn't be recorded, they should be stumbled upon late at night or on a Sunday afternoon, like a frat boy passed out in the middle of the sidewalk along University Ave, watched in their entirety, and never be seen again. Kind of like a Unicorn. Or a gay Republican.

Anyway, last night I watched about half of this movie called "The Rapture" and it was spectacularly awful. It stars Mimi Rogers (who is half-nekkid for most of the first half and has GIGANTIC boobs) and David Duchovny as her love interest. Mimi plays "Susan" who is tired of having empty sex with David and her older French boyfriend (who's a swinger) and ends up in a dirty hotel room about to blow her head off with a gun she stole off of a hitchhiker whom she picked up in L.A. (I'm not kidding, people actually write this shit). However, she chickens out on taking the bullet train and ends up reading the bible in the nightstand and is saved from her slutty ways by having a vision of a pearl (still with me?) and accepting Jesus Christ as her personal savior. She then joins a sect of other believers of "The Pearl" who are eagerly awaiting The Rapture, predicted by their leader (a 12 year old boy) to come in 1996. Along the way she convinces David Duchovny (sporting the worst mullet wig in the UNIVERSE), a devout Atheist, to join her, marry her, and get her preggers. Anyway, this is about where I had to turn it off and go to bed, so I didn't get to see what happened after ol' Davey got killed by a rouge office manager, whom he fired the week before, and Mammary Mimi decides to go on a quest into the desert to await more clues as to when the Rapture is actually going to occur.

But this movie got me thinking this morning…no, not about the Rapture, or hell, even middle-aged swingers. It got me thinking about HOW DO PEOPLE COME UP WITH THIS SHIT? I mean, I could barely make up plausible lies as to where I was all night when grilled by the folks when I was 17, hell, the only time I'm really creative is when I get pulled over for speeding. Furthermore, this movie was so fucking horrible I want to know who the screenwriter had to blow to get this turd produced. And, Mimi Rogers? Really? Also, since I was only 14 when this came out (and there was no way my mother would have let me see Mimi's hooters), I have no idea if it even spent any time in the box office (probably not) or if it went straight to video. And finally, I'm starting to think that there were no good movies made in the early '90's (and I include that pile of shit "Reality Bites" in this statement), since every bad movie I've seen lately was made in either 1990 or 1991.

P.S. I also watched "Side Out" (remember C. Thomas Howell?) on UPN this weekend (another channel filled to the brim with bad movies for your weekend viewing pleasure) and it was just as corny, neon-y, mullet-y, and high-waisted jeans-y as I remember it.

Happieness Is...

2008-06-15T21:54:00.002-05:00

...your cat furiously flicking her tail as you gently tickle her foot, yet refusing to wake from her slumber.