Minnesota winters are harsh and depressing. They wreak havoc on your psyche in terms of seasonal affective disorder or cabin fever. They cover your car, shoes, and pant cuffs in a fine layer of chemically treated salt and grime. They're long, freezing, and oftentimes deadly. They also completely fuck up your skin from head to toe. The air is dry and cold and whips through your clothes causing an itchy, flaky dermatological situation that drives me to near insanity and requires that I keep my nails short in order to avoid flaying myself alive.Thus, I'm constantly on the hunt for the perfect body lotion. I've tried them all, from prescription Lubriderm to baby oil. Throw in the fact that I have EXTREMELY sensitive skin and dermatographia (stress/pressure hives), my search is often an ongoing odyssey. I tend to steer clear of scented lotions due to my skin sensitivity and the fact that some scents drive me nuts after about an hour. This epic search is all in the hopes of gaining baby smooth pasty skin that begs for strange men to touch. My linen closet and bathroom is filled with half-empty bottles of the latest miracle lotion/potion that I purchased after smelling and trying every other bottle of overmarketed shit in the personal care isle of either Target or Walgreens. So, here's a run-down of lotions I've tried, past and present:
AmLactin (from photo): This lotion contains 12% Lactic Acid, which is perfect for exfoliating and smoothing dry, rough skin. This used to only be available from the pharmacy, but you can pick up a bottle at Walgreens for around $13 for an 8 ounce bottle. That seems spendy, but a little squeeze of this goes a long way. I used this religiously for 2 months before prom in High School and it really does work. However, despite being fragrance free, it has an odd scent that I can only describe as sort of like powdered milk. Not exactly sexy, if you ask me, so I usually apply it at night, before bed. Also, it takes a really long time to absorb into your skin, so give yourself plenty of time before dressing, or you might end up ass over elbows on your bedroom floor while attempting to cram your sticky ass in some jeans. One further caveat, do not, I repeat, DO NOT apply this to your legs after shaving. Lactic acid + freshly shaved legs = personal care nightmare.
Bitch Creme (makers of "Dirty Girl" products): I bought this about 6 years ago because I thought the name was great. The lotion, not so much.
Hot and Flashy Hand and Body Cream: Has aloe, cucumber extract, and shea butter in it, plus has a cedar/lemongrass scent. Smells divine, works well, but not really worth the $13 I spent for about 5 ounces of product. Buy it if you want to smell sexy for a new guy.
Victoria's Secret "Touch Me Gently" Airbrush Moisturizer: I'll admit it, I was seduced by spray on lotion. Who wouldn't want to avoid goopy hands when you're in a hurry to get ready? However, this was the biggest marketing rip-off I've ever had the displeasure of buying. It's worthless as a moisturizer, smells like a $2 whore with Meth-sweat, and has glitter in it. GLITTER! What is this, 1999? Honestly, I should just throw it away.
Curel Intensive Moisture for extra dry skin: I love Curel's hand cream. It has this great, light citrus scent and absorbs nearly instantly leaving a silky feeling all over your hands. So, yesterday, I went to Target and bought a bottle of their body lotion. So far, I'm happy with it. It takes a little bit to absorb in, leaving a sticky feeling for about 3 minutes, but really does give you soft skin for 24 hours as claimed. Plus, you only need about half as much as you think you would (2 pumps per leg) and has a mild scent that goes away after it dries. An excellent all purpose lotion.
Watkins Spray-on Dry Oil/Johnson & Johnson Baby Oil, Lavender: Sometimes I think a body oil will be the best plan of attack. Those are the times when someone should kick me in the crotch. Seriously, it takes forever to absorb and the scents are so cloying that I start to hate myself after 2 hours. Furthermore, it makes your skin too slippery. I applyed the lavender stuff once after shaving and then wore a dress to go out for drinks, my skin was so slippery that I couldn't cross my legs, my left leg kept slipping off my right knee. Annoying.
Cetaphil Body Lotion: The most highly recommended brand of skin care products by dermatologists for people with sensitive skin. I love their facial cleanser more than I love my own mother, so I thought I'd give their lotion a try. Cetaphil is probably the best value, since you get a giant jug of it for under $10 and it'll take months to use, as a little goes a long way. I liked this brand, and it's probably the only lotion I've almost used all the way up (besides Lubriderm) in my life. The only down side is that it also takes a little longer to absorb fully into your skin than I prefer.
BeneFit's Bathina "Touch me then try to leave" Cream: I bought this during a credit card shopping frenzy a couple of years ago at Sephora, because I'm a sucker for retro packaging and an even bigger sucker when I walk through Sephora's doors. This container could have been filled with Vaseline and I would have bought it. It's actually a really nice body cream and does make your skin soft like a 1940's screen siren, unfortunately, it smells like your grandmother's perfume. It's really heavy on the rose scent, which I, personally, can't stand. Really, it makes me gag. When I smelled it at the store, it didn't seem as strong, but once I smoothed it on, I smelled like a nursing home...for about 8 hours. $28 is a high price to pay to make yourself sick, if you ask me. However, I use it every once in a while after shaving or just on my legs if I'm going out, because, goddamn it if it doesn't feel so wonderful and absorbs into skin nearly instantly. I would recommend buying this only if you have an inkling that you're going to get laid the night you wear it, or if you really like rose scented perfumes.
I'm eager to hear what you all like to slather all over yourself during the winter months...cuz I'm always looking for new products to clutter up my linen closet.
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I can't recommend a specific lotion, but I highly recommend you put the lotion in the basket.
My junk gets pretty dry during the winter. I spend many hours a day moisturizing it. Sometimes I even call in sick to work to rub out the dryness.
Max- God forbid I get the hose again, cuz that water was awfully cold the last time.
Jeremy- I don't recommend a loofah for that problem...peeled grapes is not a good look for guys.
I'm a Curel girl, but you've given me some others to try. I never really had a problem with dry skin until I moved to Colorado...the locals call it a "high desert", but I think they're making that up.
I like to dunk myself in canola oil and then sit in a frying pan. Because pretty much anything is good fried, even one's own ass.
Bath & Body Works Coconut Lime Verbena Body Cream. I have sensitivie skin, and it doesn't give me problems at all. It absorbs almost instantly, lasts all day, isn't too strongly scented, and doesn't taste bad.
I usually wear citrus-scented lotions because I read an article years ago that said citrus scents make men think of sex. I've done my own mini-experiments with scents, and my results match up!
Wow thanks Shannon, I heard vanilla did that, but I can't stand vanilla scents anymore so I'll see if I get luckier with citrus.
I agree on the Cetaphyl and Lubriderm. I've finally learned that the plainest cheapest ones usually work the best. Oh and Gold Bond, that works too.
I've always had good luck with fregrance-free Olay. Put it on right after you get out of the shower for maximum effectiveness.
keeping your skin lubricated is imperative. i like Aveeno.
I "slather" myself in heinz 57, breast milk purchased on the black market, and bull semen--but I think I do it for reasons other than you are seeking in your post here.
KC- high altitudes are famous for being dry, that's why all the biggest TB sanatoriums were there.
Cary- add a little garlic to the pan and you'll be delicious!
Shannon- hmm, I may have to try this citrus theory out, because my dart gun is currently in the shop/
Sandra- Not a big fan of Gold Bond, mainly due to a strange demo of the powder by a college boyfriend.
Kevs- Oil of Olay is for the ladies...you should be slathering yourself with battery acid and motor oil.
Carl- Agreed, Aveeno is great, but I get the same results with Curel for cheaper.
Tim- well, for your sake, I hope you have someone to lick off that witches brew before the breast milk spoils!
I use cetaphil a lot too. I have really sensitive skin. I also like lush 'Skin Sin'. It smells like coconuts but fades quickly and does a good job absorbing. JOhnson's soft lotion is ok but smells a little too fruity for me.
We are a Cetaphil household; for as much as it costs it'd better be good.
I keep going back to Suave Advanced Therapy - absorbs quickly, good light scent, and cheap. It lasts 24 hours, except for my elbows and hands which are rougher than sand paper in the winter. Not sure about the sensitive sking thing though.
The hot & flashy sounds good, I may have to try that.
I've always had sensitive skin myself, and I go bonkers when my hands start flaking.
Oils are good if you put them on right before you shower. Supposedly the hot water helps it absorb into your skin faster. I *think* that's true but I'm not 100% sure...at any rate it rinses away the excess so you get moisturized without feeling greasy all day. The downside is that it makes your shower treacherously slippery.
These days I'm using a lot of J.R. Watkins hand repair creme and Palmer's cocoa butter massage cream for stretch marks (at first it was for my belly but now I'm using it everywhere). Both absorb quickly and are light on scent. Last night Target had some of the Watkins lotion on sale for $1.97!!
I suggest you rub bacon grease into your skin. It'll make you shiny AND smaell sexy.
in the Toronto winters (pretty much the same weather that you get) i use a combo of xtra virgin olive oil that I add lavender essential oil to, then i do a second run with glysomed's body lotion (http://www.glysomed.com/products/). I also often take a bath spiked with the olive oil/lavendar mixture. totally helps my de-scale my legs!
First and foremost, make sure you exfoliate regularly. Your moisturizer will penetrate better. After that, it doesn't matter much what you use. I like Curel. It has a pleasant smell that isn't overpowering and is virtually undetectable after it soaks in. Oh, and avoid hot water. Take baths/showers that are warm, but not hot. Hot water is drying to the skin.
And pretty much any food scent will turn a guy on. They're weird that way.
Have you tried Aveeno?
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